11/21/2012 02:17 pm ET Updated Jan 21, 2013

I Voted For Obama -- Where's My Stuff?

It's not a traditional America anymore and there are 50 percent of the voting public who want stuff, they want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama. --Bill O'Reilly

Giving away free stuff is a hard thing to compete with. --Mitt Romney

"Where is our new stuff?" I asked my wife.

Judith: What stuff?

Steve: The free stuff.

J: What free stuff?

S: The free stuff Obama sent us.

J: You mean all that junk mail asking for campaign contributions?

S: That was before the election. Now he is supposed to send us free stuff. That's why I voted for him.

J: Where did you hear this?

S: Both Bill O'Reilly and Mitt Romney say that Obama is giving away free stuff.

J: To everyone?

S: No. Just to people who voted for him. The Romney voters already have too much stuff. They need more closet space. Had Romney been elected he would have given them expanded closets.

J: Romney promised voters more closet space?

S: It was the only way he could compete with the free stuff Obama promised. The whole election was about free stuff versus closet space. And car elevators. Romney promised car elevators to everyone needing one. Since Obama won I can hardly wait to get my free stuff.

J: What are you expecting?

S: Romney said Obama was giving away free contraceptives.

J: At your age you don't need free contraceptives.

S: Romney didn't say they were the only stuff Obama was giving away. For years the government purchased all the excess cheese and butter the dairy industry could produce. The government now has held $8.8 billion of cheese and butter. Maybe Obama will give me some of that.

J: But that's not stuff, its food.

S: Maybe Obama will give me gasoline. He has 695 million barrels in the strategic reserve.

J: That's not stuff. It's oil.

S: Then what is stuff?

J: Stuff is nine used lanyards you crammed in behind the canned tomatoes in the pantry.

S: I didn't vote for Obama to get more used lanyards to cram behind the canned tomatoes. I was thinking of a quarter zip merino sweater in Bellini, that a light orange.

J: Quarter zip sweaters are clothes, not stuff. Stuff are things such as tangled balls of twine, credit card offers, canteens without tops, obsolete razor blades, assorted rubber bands and the atrocious Christmas ornaments that we can't throw away because the kids made them in second grade.

S: I should have voted for Romney. At least I'd have more closet space.