06/26/2013 01:58 pm ET Updated Aug 26, 2013

Obamacare Explained

Many readers are confused about Obamacare. After exhaustive research, I can now provide answers below to the most frequently asked questions regarding Obamacare:

Q. Under Obamacare, will I die?

A. Yes. Obamacare did not eliminate death.

Q. Why not?

A. It was politically impossible because pro-life groups vigorously opposed the elimination of death.

Q. Since death is inevitable, will my death at least be costly?

A. Absolutely. Currently Medicare spends one quarter of its budget, more than $125 billion, on people who die during the year. These expenditures are expected to skyrocket as new technologies prolong zombiefication.

Q. What is zombiefication?

A. Zombiefication is the process that keeps a person artificially alive for months, while hooked up with tubes in an ICU and living like a Zombie, at a cost of $36,000 a day.

Q. Do patients object to zombiefication?

A. Rarely. Most are afflicted with severe dementia and have no idea what is happening to them.

Q. How does Obamacare address zombiefication?

A. Obamacare expands it.

Q. Expands it?

A. Before Obamacare, few of 46 million Americans who lacked health insurance had access to zombiefication. Most were reduced to dying at home with their loved ones. Under Obamacare, they can now be kept technically alive and live like Zombies for months while experiencing a solitary and painful death.

Q. Can I be assured that Obamacare will pay the entire bill for my zombiefication?

A. No. You will have pay part of the bill. A recent Mount Sinai School of Medicine study found that out-of-pocket expenses for Medicare recipients during the five years before their death averaged about $39,000 for individuals, $51,000 for couples, and up to $66,000 for people with long-term illnesses like Alzheimer's. Obamacare does nothing to reduce these out-of-pocket costs.

Q. Why should I have to pay anything out-of-pocket for my own zombiefied death? Why can't the government, Medicare, HMOs, the hospitals, the doctors and the insurance companies pay for my zombiefication?

A. Because Obamacare curtails payments to all of them.

Q. Let me get this straight. Obamacare gives 46 million access to zombiefication. At the same time, technology prolongs zombiefication. Dying people today who are zombiefied for three months may soon be zombiefied for three years. And I will get hit with huge co-payments for living like a Zombie in an ICU while I slowly die alone.

A. Correct

Q. Why can't we do away with zombiefication?

A. It is politically impossible because pro-life groups vigorously support zombiefication.

Q. Is there a better way?

A. Yes, but it's not the American way.