08/23/2012 11:56 am ET Updated Oct 23, 2012

Planning a Warm Romney

Ron Twillie will play a key role at the Republican convention. As Romney's Director of Warmth he will coordinate all planning to present the candidate as affable, affectionate and easy-going. Ron will be assisted by four deputies, each assigned responsibility for a specific personality trait of the "warm" Romney.

Emily Pester, the Deputy Director for Geniality, who had previously served on Romney's Sincerity staff, was excited about her new position. "It is quite a compliment to be asked take a guy who is aloof, out of touch and has a flagpole up his ass, and make him look affectionate and agreeable."

Ralph Whitebread agrees. "This is a challenging 24/7 job. But if we can make this detached automaton appear friendly and sympathetic, we will have earned our stripes. We will show the other side of the Romney who says he likes to fire people. We will show him building tax shelters with his grandchildren, playing a friendly game of court tennis with NASCAR team owners, and relaxing at home in his car elevator."

Ralph was promoted to Deputy Director for Amiability after working as one of Romney's nine Spontaneity Planners.

However, there were rumors of infighting between Warmth staffers. Josh Douche, the Deputy Director for Cordiality, and Kristen Dorf, the Deputy Director for Effusiveness, are feuding over who should have authority over Romney's kindliness, friendliness and amicability. According to staffers, the Deputy Director for Cordiality called the Deputy Director for Effusiveness "a hostile, aggressive bitch," and she labeled him "a venomous, malicious bastard."