04/20/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Tiger Speaks!

So word on the street is Tiger Woods is going to talk on Friday for the first time since the hydrant-ing that rocked the world. I still have visions of the first five minutes being much like the grade-your-own bubble test drill from elementary school..

"Everyone have their #2 pencil on the first question? Good. O.k. Starting at the top. Yes, Yes, No, Yes, Yes, Yes, No, No, No way, Yes, Is a foot rub cheating?, yes, yes..."

At least give us an idea what we are working with here Tiger, or what you want us to think we are working with. For my personal curiosity, there are a few I hope are a no, and a few I hope are a definite yes. I couldn't tell you specifically because I flip flop from... "he didn't really..." to "that would be so rad if he really did..." on more than half of the alleged Tiger's twenty.

Unfortunately, we all know what he's going to say. A snooze inducing tour de bore of your standard sports rhetoric that quickly dissolves into the teacher from Peanuts. Wah wah wahwahwah wah. Except it'll be even more annoying because we'll actual listen, hoping for tears or a freak out or something. I just want to apologize to my fans, and my sponsors and most of all to my beautiful wife, whose support without I could never wah wah wahwahwah wah. Wake up Snoopy, you have a deadline in the morning.

I'm not going to lie, I've enjoyed this whole unraveling. Sure, I feel bad for the family, the kids, his hot wife, etc. But he screwed all that up long before he plowed into the fire hydrant, so to put that on the curious onlookers is just unfair. As a scandal it's the one that just keeps on giving. First the affairs, then more affairs. Emails, voice-mails, (video? eew..), pornstar affairs (eew?), elementary school teacher affairs, hiding on a yacht, night golf, sex rehab in Mississippi while wife stays with the Favres? The only thing that could make this more interesting is if Mothra swooped Tiger from the press conference before Godzilla saved him while simultaneously stomping half of Florida into a decrepit landscape of scorched destruction. (Insert Florida is already a decrepit landscape joke here.)

In my personal opinion, the wife should dump him. I know we are a forgiving nation and all, but there are some unforgivable acts, and Tiger did more than a few of them. Factor in the scale of embarrassment and you conclude that she needs to just move on. The relationship has already been destroyed, everything from here on out is just a half dead horse in the sand dragging itself to water. If she's staying for money, I guess? But for the kids? I personally think being raised without this father, and in Sweden, would be a much better option. Doesn't really sound like he was spending much time with them anyway.

I don't play golf myself. In fact I look at golfers the same way I look at 7am cigarette smoking commuters and junkies. This feeling of "I'm so glad I never got pulled into that.." overcomes me. That's just as much a comment on my personality as golf itself. The combination of gear and obsession would take me down. But I do have an idea it's much like pool, where a positive mental attitude is everything. If you tell yourself where the shot is going, it will go there. And the more relaxed you are, the more you don't care, the better you do. Kind of like a hungover pitcher situation. With this in mind, I just want to lay my money down on Tiger never getting back to where he once was. How do you get in front of millions when the pressure is on and concentrate when you know everyone is just thinking about you and your harem? If he can pull thatoff, then he really is the world's greatest athlete, even if the athleticism of golf is highly debatable.

The good news is people have stopped with the hyper-inflated praise. He's fallen so far. He was a role model to sooo many! Really? He was an amazing athlete, but he's never been a great guy. He's cranky on the golf course, cranky with reporters and cranky with fans. He's great at what he does, but has never been great. Maybe that's the way it has to be to be great at golf. I'm not faulting him, all those people in my face when I'm trying to work would make me cranky too. When the world was like "the narcissistic egomaniac turned out to be a womaniser!" It was just another blip on the pro-sports-drama radar. But then the affairs began to spill like wine at a PGA orgy and the Chinese media made that video of the golf club incident and another blip became an awesome blip.

And here we are, waiting to see what the man has to say for himself. Hoping it's amazing, but knowing it won't be. Instead a drivel of athletic generica that he should have read off the Teleprompter months ago. Honestly, at this point, I'd be way more excited if the San Diego Zoo announced that on Friday a tiger would finally be speaking. Then at least we'd have no idea what it would have to say and it'd be hella cute.