10/02/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Drooling Banjoes

How-DEEE! Pull up a stump and set a spell. Have a slug off'n m'daughter's lactatin' jug and take a bite of narwhal jerky!

The Straight Talk Express is paddlin' down river from Wasilla, a pickin' and a grinnin'. It had better be because it sure ain't a-thinkin' and a-vettin'.

The pick of Sarah Palin as his VP and the-just-beginning-to-unspool string of her hillbilly highjinks is just further indication of Grampa John McCain's inferior qualee-fications to be Preseedent of Them Yoonited States. If this is how he's a-runnin' his campaign, how's he gonna be at governatin'? Hold on a minute -- Velma! Yer baby sister's just had another youngin' slide outta her mommy thing! Should I hold off on water boardin' Bocephus fer another hour or so?

In spite of McCain's presidential campaign approaching the level of a Mad TV sketch, there still exists the terrifying possibility that years of purposeful bar-lowering will produce a victory for the persistent and hateful Repooplican machine, whose success has depended solely on the manipulation of softened brains rather than presentation of positive policies. Not even attempting to present a candidate from among last season's debate squad of frequently creepy but nonetheless reasonably proficient legislators, McCain seems desperate to appeal to the only unwavering constituents he can count on; appealing to the most extreme mentalities that crouch in the corners of his newly acquired über right wing ideology by offering up someone as qualified as, well, nobody in particular, a kind of perkier, more telegenic version of Harriet Myers.

How will the Repubs spin Sarah "Daisy Mae" Palin's latest mark of distinction after years of proselytizing about, say, abstinence? Predictably, they and their flannelmouthed flunkies have already painted the garish backwoods soap opera as a shining example of devoted motherhood and family values, qualities the rule makers regularly spout in their diatribes against sex education, abortion rights and school prayer, qualities that are conspicuous in the rare application towards themselves. Rather, they are all too frequently exempt from judgment, ultimately exposing the fraud of their moral authority.

Yet despite all this obviousness, even with more than 8 years of transparent but maddeningly effective Bush/Cheney governance, the crux of McCain's approach to reversing the seemingly inexorable tide of Change and Hope is a campaign of denial, defensiveness and defamation. And dumbness.

It may work. It has in the past. But then again it may not. Even the desperate-for-drama MSM is actually daring to report the presumptive VP nominee's doings, sensing a change in the wind. Apparently, even their old hound dogs ain't huntin' no more.

Velma! Your baby sister's just had another one! An' she's got sekkerterry of the interior written all over her!

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