05/16/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Texas Raptured!

In a stunning display of Biblical specificity not seen since the face of Jesus's mother Mary was seen on the underside of Pat Robertson's barcalounger, the entire state of Texas has been Raptured, with the exception of the city of Austin and actor Thomas Hayden Church.

Governor Rick Perry removed all his clothing moments before, telling reporters "I won't be needing these anymore!". When asked what he'll do when he and the millions of other right wing morons reach Heaven, the Governor (or as one reporter referred to the denuded Republican afterward as "Rock Perky") replied "I'm gonna ride me one of them dinosaurs. And even though I won't have pants or a saddle, in Heaven I am certain there is no chaffing."

Since the Texas State Board of Education amended social studies, history and economics textbooks to reflect an ultra-conservative point of view, the signs that Rapture was imminent began to appear. Piggly Wigglys all over the state began to slash prices on all foods with Olestra in them, bouffant hairdo's on older Texas matrons spontaneously burst into an ectoplasm-like flame which defied extinguishing and the acne-ridden faces of born again teenagers began to leak ambergris.

The remaining damned gathered for miles around to watch the mass ascension of the Lone Star Staters and, as the last naked putz vanished into a layer of stratocumulus, a cheer rose up which could be heard all the way to Rhode Island and parts of Haiti.

Plans for the now vacated expanse of land include the possible relocation of Israel or just allowing things to grow there again.