If it takes a village to raise a child, you might say it also takes one to care for the sick. Cancer is at once personal and communal. Disease lives in the sufferer's body, but the experience of illness is shared, often intimately, by our loved ones. And yet, caring for the sick can feel like writing a travelogue about a country you've never visited. You can't know where you haven't been.
"What can I do to help?"
This is the sincere, often reflexive, response people have when they find out I have cancer. When I was diagnosed with leukemia last May at the age of 22, my boyfriend, Seamus, sprung into action as my CCO: chief caregiving officer, after my parents. As the news of my diagnosis spread, my friends, acquaintances -- and even some strangers -- formed a loving support network. It was a comforting reminder of how selfless people can be.
But while most of my friends and family would help me in a heartbeat, knowing how to help can be a daunting, even paralyzing, challenge. Over the past eight months, through seven hospitalizations and six rounds of chemotherapy, Seamus and I have sustained a running dialogue about what it means to be a caregiver and a care recipient; what it means to be in love with one another while my body's at war with itself.
This guide to helping a friend with cancer is built from parts of our many conversations on the subject of caregiving.
- Say "I don't know what to say" -- A cancer diagnosis can paralyze the lines of communication between friends. Some people freeze up and don't say anything at all, while others dwell on finding the "perfect" words. If you're at a loss for words, say so. If you have a lot to say but don't know where to start, say that, too. Honesty rules. I've never felt offended by someone who doesn't know what to say, but I've felt hurt by those who don't call or write at all. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Our dialogue is always continuing. What are your tips for helping loved ones who are ill?
Suleika Jaouad writes a regular blog at Secrets of Cancerhood. This post is a follow-up to her last entry, "10 Things Not to Say to a Cancer Patient." You can follow her on Twitter here.
Seamus McKiernan is an associate blog editor at The Huffington Post.
For more by Suleika Jaouad, click here.
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Follow Seamus McKiernan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/chezseamus