11/20/2012 02:59 pm ET Updated Jan 20, 2013

Ads I Don't Want to See

I confess. I watch way too much TV. I have some excuses. One, I was a TV sitcom writer, so I'm just trying to stay abreast. Two, I do some reviews on my radio show. Three... oh let's just face it, I have no life.

And now, I see there are a lot of others in my age vicinity (between 50 and death) who seem to have the same problem, only THEY are getting paid!

A lot of older actors and actresses are doing commercials. There is nothing new about that, but
once you've hit Baby Boomer and beyond, the types of commercials seem to have a sameness to them. They are either reverse mortgages, or gold, or other fear-inducing areas for the men and their performance. Although I've yet to see a star do a Viagra spot. The closest was the theme song from Viva Las Vegas starring Elvis in the background. The music, not him. And by the way, I was a movie extra in college and I was in that movie, so I took the besmirching of that iconic song personally. (In the scene where there's a pool table and Ann Margaret and Elvis are talking, if you look fast you will see me walking in a showgirl outfit and high headdress. Never mind.)

All the guys doing the reverse mortgage stuff have a certain manly gravitas, whether it's former
Senator/actor Fred Thompson doing his best booming voice, or Bill Devane flying a plane, (oh that rhymes) or RJ walking briskly up a country path. I was in show biz, so I can call Robert Wagner by his nicknamed initials. I also spend time with him in Aspen. (Oh, he's not aware of that as I just rent and he owns a home, possibly with a reverse mortgage.)

Now I see Henry Winkler is also joining the crew, but I don't know, would you take financial
advice from the Fonz? Ahyyyy! One is tempted to say he has "jumped the shark" career-wise, but that may be too show biz and 'in' to get as a reference.

As always, it's the female gender which faces the REAL horrors of aging to be fought by buying some wonder product that will save us.

Whoopi Goldberg, an ageless talent in my book, did a really embarrassing commercial where she donned period costumes and spoke in accents to tell us how to prevent accidents throughout history I guess, in our panties. (I don't know how more euphemistically to put it and I would like to retain some male readers.) Anyway, I guess she needed money or maybe she really uses these things, but I don't ever want to see this campaign again.

Then there is Sally Fields doing osteoporosis ads. No! Say isn't so! This was the "Flying Nun,"
this was "Gidget," for God's sake. I liked her, I really liked her and I grew up with her! So that means if she's got it, I could get it. And I'm not ready!

I'm not ready for Depends, thin bones, reverse mortgages or any kind of gold... well, a wedding ring would be nice. Hope springs eternal. Bill Devane, call me... if you're single.