Just when you thought they were gone, the teen moms pop up faster than two lines on a pregnancy test. How's life been since the show wrapped? Are the ladies mentally stable? Are their babies well-adjusted? And more importantly, what color is their hair?
Luckily, Dr. Drew took some time off from not saving people on "Celeb Rehab" to ask the really tough questions. Your answers await ...
JENELLE
Guess what? Jenelle says she's all better, except she's still seeing her ex and she relapsed. Oh, and she's going to jail, and she and her mom fight when the meds wear off. Luckily, Bahbrah comes out to tell us what has changed: Jenelle's step-fathah, Mike, has moved out. Now he's living with a Hootah's waitress! Bahbrah thinks this is hilarious. She tells Dr. Drew that she is "so libahrated!" And then, because she doesn't actually know what "liberated" means, she throws in "... and I feel free!" In short, they both found their wings -- but Mike's come in mild, medium or hot.
Bahbrah wishes Jenelle could find the strength to fly away from Kieffer. "He's nothing but a drug addict, a manipalahtor, he sucks all the money out of her. He's just no good!" She admits she wants Jenelle to hit rock bottom and go to jail so she can sit and think about the baby shambles of her life. Although it's a harsh statement, it comes from a good place. Last year on the reunion, Bahbrah didn't have a kind word for her daughter. This year, she says Jenelle is "very generous, very independent, very organized," and yes, "very lovable."
The entire audience goes "awww" and looks around and blinks and wonders when the "TRL" taping is going to start. Since Dr. Drew can fix a lifetime of issues in about 10 minutes (give or take commercials), he congratulates the gals on their good work. There were no restraining orders issued, so he feels the relationship is "moving in a good direction." Speaking of directions, does anyone know how to get to that Hootahs?
KAILYN
A fun thing to do when you cheated on your boyfriend with your baby's daddy is to sit on a couch together and see what who walks off first. (Spoiler alert: It's the girl who slept with both the dudes.)
First, Buddha Jo comes out to remind Kailyn that life is suffering. He tells us that he's single, and he knows exactly what he wants: to "continue to live my life ... and whatever things happen, they happen." If those "things" are shower sex, then that's coo. But they're only 19 years old, and Jo doesn't think they should be "pushing to force a relationship."
Furthermore, if he was Jordan, he would never stay with Kailyn. "Because of the one-night stand you had with her?," Dr. Drew asks innocently.
".... One night?" Jo says with a vicious smile. Now, Dr. Drew's not actually God, but he's just one level down and he's pretty sure that Jo is alluding to the fact that it wasn't just a single night. "How many times?," he asks. Kailyn looks like her head is about to explode. She's rolling her eyes so hard, they almost need to page a medic. Jo is such a playa, he can't even answer, 'cause he's trying to count all the times. Man, he's gotta count way high. What comes after one? Oh yeah, "TWO!" Kailyn finally admits, with the caveat that only one time was actually cheating.
So where does Kailyn want all these relationships to go? She can't get Jo out of her system, and feels deep down that he will want to be with her someday. Buuut now that it's obvious that Jo's not into it, she needs Jordan. She wants to fix things with Jordan. It was Jordan all along! It's very romantic and terribly predictable.
Then, poor Jordan comes out. He heard everything Jo and Kailyn said while he was backstage. Kailyn can't understand why he has an issue with being her back-burner guy. It's so warm there! "It hurts me that I'm hurting you," she says like the valedictorian of the Chris Brown School of Relationships. "It hurts me that I don't know what I want!" But Jordan knows what he's after, and it's not this second-class boyfriend crap.
Oh now it's time to bring Jo out again for a demented minogue a therapy.
"Who should Kailyn be with?" Dr. Drew asks.
Now, they both stare at her as she cries and then walks off stage. Next, Jordan walks off stage. Jo sits there and waits for Oz to give him a heart.
After a break, Kailyn is back. Dr. Drew realizes that they're getting nowhere and decides they should all just chill out. So he calls Jenelle back on stage and they all smoke the weed. Hahahaha just kidding, it's time to talk about how nobody wants Kailyn again!
"Are there things you need to tell Jo or Jordan to keep them on your team?," Dr. Drew asks, because talking someone into dating you is a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
"I just think you guys are key people in my life, and I need both of you right now," Kailyn sniffs. Jordan says he's always going to be there for her and Isaac. But "on the relationship standpoint, I'm just gonna take time and see where it goes."
Now, Dr. Drew makes her apologize to both guys. She's sorry she "took Jo's childhood away" and "took advantage of Jordan." They both accept her apology, though Jo uses that vulnerable moment to re-re-remind her that he wants to "keep on moving on."
Just as it seems like things are wrapping up, it's time to talk about condoms! (See how I did that there?) Jo reminds the crowd to always use them, and Kailyn gives Jordan a really exasperated look. It's a complicated look, but it seems to be saying "Remember how Jo didn't use a condom and then gave me an STD and then you thought you had an STD? That was a fun day!"
"So wait, did you just blame me for giving you STDs?," Jo says. Then, everyone dances around actually naming a disease until Dr. Drew drops the "C" bomb, and we know that whoever sits on that couch next week ... better put down a tarp.
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