02/19/2013 01:09 am ET Updated Apr 20, 2013

'Teen Mom 2' Season 4 Premiere: Hospitals And Heartbreak

Note: Grab your birth control cocktails and IUD appetizers! Hope you enjoyed your break from depression and misery last week, 'cause we barrel straight into Season 4 tonight.

After a quick montage of how awful Jenelle is, we learn that she's dating a new guy named Gary. He's a Marine, and Bahhbrahh just LOVES him. (Note that Bahhbrahh also loved a man who eventually cheated on her with a Hooters waitress, so she's definitely a fabulous judge of character.) Jenelle also began school to be a medical assistant, 'cause her bedside manner is obviously amazing. Nothing could possibly motivate an ill patient to get better faster than the sheer terror of being near Jenelle. Oh also, Jenelle's moving to yet another new place with never-before-seen/beaten friend Alison, and she's off probation next month. She hasn't smoked the weed in eight months and she's actively seeing a therapist. Basically she's got a whole new life and everything's going to be super different and that's going to last forever/until the next commercial break in two minutes.

When Bahhbrahh and Jace visit later, Bahhbrahh's all decked out in a saucy low-cut wrap dress and the first set of bracelets I've ever seen on her dainty wrist. She gets a real twinkle in her eye when she brings up Gary. In fact, she gives him the Ultimate Bahhbrahh Compliment, gushing that there's "no compahrisons between Gary and Keiffuh." She's similarly impressed by the new house, especially the entryway and cahpet. She even grants permission for Jace to stay overnight, so long as all the doors are locked, and ... actually, that's the only stipulation. She really loved that cahpet.

A few days later, Jenelle's having herself an idyllic little afternoon. She's hanging out with a hunk of meat -- and she's making hamburger helper, too. Aforementioned "hunk of meat" is named Tori, and she has some interesting news: Keiffuh is out of prison. Jenelle stays calm, noting that Keiffuh won't bother her since she's with a special new man. Of course he'd respect her relationship! He's only made a mess of things literally every second of her life except for the ones when he was actually locked behind bars. But I'm not worried. When it comes to good choices, Jenelle's only made the wrong one always -- so it's really all uphill from here, except if it's downhill.

Just when Jenelle thinks she's safe from Keiffuh's weedy hands, she gets a startling update from Gary. Keiffuh texted him asking to see Jenelle -- no funny stuff, just talking. Jenelle's stumped about how Keiffuh got his number (and probably a phone), but she's glad he's still one degree away. She assures Gary that she's all his, and even advises him to change his number. She's never put her foot down like this before, and it's impressive. Maybe she is turning over a new leaf after all ... and this time, it's not made of marijuana!

Chelsea starts off season four by cooking herself between seven and eight slices of pizza, which she eats on the couch like the sad "before" person in a Weight Watchers commercial. Oh look, here's friend Laura coming to enjoy a piece. It's so delicious, especially when your lunch convo is how Chelsea's IUD fell out of her lady bits and then Adam came over and, oops, fell in. "We pulled out," she notes. "Don't judge!" Instead of taking a pregnancy test or generally being worried, Chelsea's going to take a simpler approach: Just wait until she either gets her period or doesn't. Adam will certainly be supportive either way: just because he accidentally texted her that their first child together was a "mistake," doesn't mean he's a really evil, horrible monster or anything. And Chels, don't take it personally that he literally just ignored you for an entire season of your show. If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to bone you at their leisure, it means they really, really care deeply for you! Duh, everyone who watched 'The Notebook' knows that.

Shocker of shockers: Adam hasn't called Chelsea since the ol' afternoon baby momma delight. He's pretty busy of course, what with quitting his old job and meeting his friends for drinks. When MTV cast his buddies, they literally must have sent out a call for "douche bags," 'cause these guys meet all the requirements. A white boy is rocking a a folded-over bandana? Check. Everyone has sunglasses on their head, even though it's nighttime and they all have perfectly good pockets? Check. Someone is named "Marty" and someone is named "Pete" and there are chicken wings? Check three times. So typical.

Anyway, Adam explains that Chelsea is still "woo-hoo" (read: crazy) and that when he saw her recently, "things happened." When asked to specify, he does so using terms I could not print here, but one of them rhymed with "ducked." Yep, you heard correctly: They rucked.

He says that there is NO WAY they will get back together. They will "never work" for reasons we won't know because dudes aren't into follow-up questions. Luckily, he reminds us that they used a "kind of" protection: pulling out. Adam's similarly relaxed about the potential for pregnancy. After all, he's got much bigger things to worry about, like how to get all the chicken off that there wing. Have you ever tried to have a snack and think about your future at the same time? It's an awful lot of work, and so greasy.

Over in Chelsea Land, it's all sex talk and shopping. This time she's telling her sob story to friend Erika, who is so horrified that she can only shake her head and look more disgusted than her normal face. Even though Chelsea is faking concern, I'm pretty sure any chick who has ever had a pregnancy scare is calling bulls*it. If girlfriend was actually freaked out, she'd get herself a pregnancy test, STAT. Hell, she'd probably send away for a leopard-print one and then make it a tiny blonde wig. Then when it came out negative, she'd call it endlessly and cry about how nobody ever wants her. It's sorta her thing.

Then for some reason, MTV shows us a 30-second clip of Chelsea drawing a kitty and a lion for Aubree. I'm not sure why that happened, but my gut tells me it's setting the scene for a spin-off. I'd definitely watch 'Chelsea's Art World.' She's like the second coming of Bob Ross, but with worse hair and really, really sad clouds.

The night before she starts beauty school, Chelsea has a pal over so she can talk about being depressed. Aubree will be in daycare, and they'll be apart for the first time ever. She's also jealous of Adam's blissful ignorance when it comes to Aubree. He's never around for the tough times, and he'll never feel the pain of separation since he's never expressed an interest in being around for any length of time. Aubree's like the baby version of Netflix -- she gets dumped at his doorstep, then he sends her back the next day.

When we last saw Leah, she was admitting that she is in fact the human equivalent of manure. (IE: Very fertile.) But this season, our show opens with a frightening trip to the hospital and a devastating miscarriage. Her trying ordeal happened when Jeremy was away at work, so by the time he returns there's nothing he can do but comfort his wife-to-be. She admitted during the finale that, if not for the pregnancy, she would go back to Corey. This painful turn could bring her closer to Jeremy or drive her further away, and it will be interesting to watch that play out.

Though they're both reeling from the loss, Jeremy can't blow off his job. When Leah's friend Kayla comes over, Leah pours her heart out. She reveals that she and Jeremy won't try for another child, and admits that the entire situation made her realize she's not ready for baby number three. In fact, with the embers of her love for Corey still burning, her engagement is also on shaky ground.

After everything has calmed down, Leah shares her feelings with Jeremy. As she talks, I'm struck by how young and vulnerable she looks. Without makeup (or a shower and also a few cold sores), she looks about 14 years old. She's just a kid stuck in this life rated "R" for adult situations and sexual conduct. "I just want to slow down with my life," she says point-blank. She doesn't want to plan the wedding this very second, and Jeremy is visibly disappointed. It hasn't been his week.

Since Leah and Corey are only capable of having extremely intense conversations between their two trucks in various parking lots, she doesn't tell him the news until baby drop off time. "Are you as sick this pregnancy as you was the last one?," he asks eloquently. "Actually, I'm not pregnant anymore" she replies, looking away. Corey offers her his help and then immediately says that he and Summer broke up -- 'cause, ya know, the news that a baby has just been lost only deserves like, 2 seconds of reflection time.

Leah cries that she's so tired of the "back and forth stuff," and reveals that she's not confused at all. "Even though I'm engaged to another guy, I know. Corey, if you can't tell I love you by now than you never will!" Despite the startling confession, Corey's not impressed. There is no romantic comedy embrace or movie script ending. He's worried that she'll change her mind in 6 months, and feels the circumstances aren't right. After all, she just went through something awful; this could just be some strange, devastated response. As he essentially shoots her down, Leah's jaw drops and she starts to cry.

This was Corey's moment to officially ask for her back, and he did the complete opposite. It's pretty insane that she thinks a miscarriage and a declaration of love wipes their slate clean ... but it's hard not to feel bad for her. In that moment, the mixed signals that initially drove Leah away are beyond evident. In the space of a minute, Corey tells her he's single and dying for her, then does a total 180, complimenting Jeremy and urging her to stay with him. He ends his rambling speech by saying that it's going to be a tough decision -- even though he just made it for her. There's no way she can leave Jeremy, whose love has never wavered, to be with Corey, who's more torn than freaking Natalie Imbruglia. Leah's all out of faith. This is how she feels.

When Kailyn went to drop Isaac off with Jo, they got in a fight that "turned physical." Now, Kailyn's filing a temporary protection from abuse order (PFA), which means Jo cannot be anywhere near Kailyn or Isaac. She also has temporary full custody. After her shaky visit to the court, my favorite friend Very Large Marc (my name) comes over to get the skinny. Kailyn explains that she got enraged when she saw Jo's girlfriend around Isaac during drop off. She started screaming at Jo and, while she won't say exactly what ensued, she does hold up her arm and note ominously that she now has a bruise. She explains that her intention isn't to take Isaac away from Jo, but hopefully to resolve their differences once and for all.

Jo's side of the story is a little different. Whereas Kailyn makes him out to be a villain who furiously came at her, Jo paints her as a jealous ex who swung at him, knocking his hat off. When she came at him again -- but with a fist -- he says he swatted her hand away. They both feel assaulted, and are adamant that the other is to blame. Much as I want to side with Kailyn, all the reports of her bipolar outbursts have me questioning her story. Though Jo seems more capable of violence (come on, he just looks evil), her track record in the press is not so hot. Either way, it's a horrible situation for both parents ... and especially for little Isaac. Though he likely won't remember that afternoon firsthand, he'll have an entire TV show to remind him of the pain his mother and father have inflicted upon each other. In the end, he's the silent victim.

All the drama with Jo coupled with work and school means Kailyn has no time for Javi. When she finally sees him, she explains the whole story and he's understandably upset. He obviously wants to start a relationship, but it seems pretty impossible at this point. When every conversation is about an ex or a court order, there's not much room for "getting-to-know-you" flirtations. Kailyn's got more baggage than the place where you pick up your baggage at the airport. It is called Kailyn, You've Got So Much Baggage to Claim. You get it.

After a long day, Kailyn settles in with Javi. Meanwhile, Jo calls Vee to tell her about his awful day. Officers came to his door and told him he was being served with a PFA. "She's trying to have Isaac taken from me," he stutters. They have a court date in two weeks, and in the interim he can't see Isaac. "I need you behind me," he says as his voice gets ragged. "I'm not losing my son!" It's all very dramatic, and would probably be a lot more emotional if he wasn't sitting in his car in a parking lot. If there was a sequel to "8 Mile," I kinda think it would start like this. Except it'd be called "8.5 Mile," and Eminem would still beat Jo in a rap battle.

"Teen Mom 2" airs Mondays at 10 p.m. EST on MTV.