For those of you who live in California, the 101 freeway is a major traffic artery running the north and south spine of California. When parents separate it's not uncommon for this to be the thoroughfare children traverse in order to see one parent or the other whether it's across town or a Los Angeles versus San Francisco commute.
One Turtlebird (the term I coined for children who move between their parents homes on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis) has the 101 icon tatooed on the inside of his left forearm to commemorate his time going back and forth between where he was born and where his father remains in Santa Barbara, and Los Angeles where he grew up with his mother.
With summer visitation upon us, when many of these migrations occur, I thought it would be useful to review thirteen primary principles of co-parenting - a baker's dozen if you like.
The following is outlined and so well articulated by Dr. Isaac Berman, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles who I have the privilege to consult with on a regular basis.
What follows are Dr. Berman's words outlining major considerations bearing on a co-parented child's continued optimal development.
Some of these dozen tips may sound elementary, so much so, these points are worth repeating. Please do not mistake simple with easy to pull off as this takes self-control, what is known as grace under pressure especially during transition times.
1.) Understand and Accept the Child: This may be the easy part; implementing them may be at times challenging:
2.) Ensure direct, calm, respectful communication: across households. You won't always see eye-to-eye.
3.) Cardinal Rule is: first accept, then disagree if you must.
4.) Talk about yourself: not the other.
5.) What you each need most (as does the child) --- and that is hardest to achieve --- is to feel understood.
6.) Post calendars: so that your child will always knows where he'll be and when. Keep schedules predictable and consistent.
7.) Observe the child at either end: (departure from Mom and return from Dad).
8.) Respect household boundaries: Ensure that transition times are peaceful and comfortable; establish rituals to facilitate movements back and forth.
The parent who has less time with the child, you will want to engage the child in some of the home activities he knows at the other parents home along with new ones Chez Vous. ( Tara's note: like washing the car is a good one if you are stymied for ideas.)
9.) Discipline-Upbringing: You'll set developmentally realistic behavioral expectations, then supervise the child's activities, always honoring his emotional autonomy. ("I know it's hard for you, but you have to....").
10.) Parenting should be Authoritative: loving and firm.
11.) Consistency and predictability: are key.
Authoritative style is important in another crucial sense in the development of a sense of control.
Youngsters cling to mothers' apron strings, largely for support and protection; they later engage more in the other developmental task: exploration and differentiation. Success in this latter task is crucial for the eventual development of a sense of control (as against vulnerability to anxiety).
12.) Learn to give the chlld opportunities to contingently control certain things by influencing your behavior; and
13.) Less intrusiveness and control on your part: Enable the child with more opportunities to explore and develop new skills to cope with new or unexpected events.
Dr. Berman's hope is the above will give you some idea of what to be aware of as you plan your co-parenting relationship, especially the considerations bearing on the child's needs.
Dr. Berman concludes with: "While this is a primer it contains the fundamentals for being child centered and focused on behavior and observation while learning to live with your child's commute between your different homes."
As Dr. Berman reminds me (and if you are like me, you may be a good talker), talking should not be confused with doing. Easier said than done, Dr. Berman. Thank you.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.