07/03/2012 09:25 am ET Updated Sep 02, 2012

Animal Planet Guide: Beach Predators

Most people think spending the day at the beach is a simple, relaxing soak-in-the-rays type of deal. Most people are wrong. After trekking to the beach with hoards of other yuppies, I have concluded that it is a complex habitat, with niches and intriguing species interactions. Bullshit, you say? Yeah that's what my mom said when I told her I got into college, but hey, look at me now. The bottom line is that in every habitat there are predators and prey. You don't want to be prey to a predator, do you? It's easy to be the top link of the beach food chain: Wear sunscreen, drink cold brews, bring flippie-floppies, have multiple floating devices, and read on.

First, we zoom in on the Flexus douchus. Their common name is the Douchey Muscular Bro, or DMB for short. These creatures are known for their excessive preening and flaunting. Before going to the beach, the DMBs acquire a base tan. Though the origin of the tan is questionable, the DMBs love to flaunt it so that their meaningless tribal tattoos look more badass against their leathery hide. Another ploy used to attract a mate, DMBs often work the word "bro" into other words, such as "bromosapien" or the charming "brotato chip." If this doesn't work, they stalk the shoreline in numbers, flashing their floral swim trunks. Though floral, these swim trunks are not for camouflage; their sole purpose is to attract the female equivalents of their species -- Tannus barbius or the common slut.

The Tannus barbius are the female versions of DMBs. They enjoy lying on the sand with oily sunscreen all over their tan, skinny selves. They are most often seen in Victoria's Secret swimsuits that enhance their breasts to three times their normal size, drawing the eyes of all nearby DMBs right towards their chests. The DMB mating call towards these creatures is a plethora of crude remarks they make to their fellow DMBs, often within earshot of the girl in question. If the Tannus barbius is similarly attracted to the DMB, they will engage in a mating ritual, including hair flipping and not-so-discreet flexing. It ends with a migration to a secluded area, such as the dunes or beach bathroom to procreate.

Next, we must examine the Childus irritatus. Commonly known as children ages 3-8, these creatures are notorious for obnoxious yelling and bratty whining. Instead of listening to the waves gently lap at the shore like you had planned, you'll be serenaded by the sound of wailing kiddos while having sand kicked in your face. Childus irritatus are very selfish; they cannot stand the idea of sharing. Whether it's a bucket, cupcake, or a dead fish found on the shore, these organisms will fight to the death over it. Their childish innocence is just a disguise, so watch out. Their features include sticky hands and beady eyes. If you don't spot one around, look for trails of melted ice cream or shitty sand castles. If you see one or both, migrate to a new section of the beach immediately.

The elusive Sulkus biebera is a closely related species to the Childus irritatus. These are commonly known as preteens. They will always be seen with their parents, Obliviousa elderus, which is exactly what they don't want. It is almost impossible to enjoy beach time with preteens around. They're fun-suckers; in fact, they are from the same genus as leeches. Preteens can often be found blasting Justin Bieber or One Direction on their iPod headphones, rolling their eyes at every word their parents say, and enviously scoffing at the surrounding gaggles of DMBs and common sluts. So if you hear a distant whining, it may not be a Childus irratatus. It may be Justin Bieber through some preteen's crappy headphones. Either way, distance yourself if you want to survive.

Another dangerous organism is the Scavengera creepus. These clever animals are better known as creepy middle-aged men. Their mid-life crises and failed mating advertisements on Craigslist prompted them to buy metal detectors so that they can find hidden gold beneath the beer-can-littered sand of your local beach. Their ulterior motive, however, is to lurk around the much younger ladies and maybe catch a nip-slip. Avoid these guys at all costs, or you might end up next to their metal detector in their trunk.

As a beach expert, I have had many encounters with all of these beach organisms. They're definitely a bummer. But if you read my guide closely, you will realize that having a great day at the beach isn't rocket science. It simply requires a balance of avoidance, awareness, and a Corona in both hands.