06/21/2012 11:37 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Our Super Summer Internship!


Dear Dad,

I'm having a great time in China, learning the ropes of the advertising business from the great internship provided by the benevolent Reedidas Corporation! Most of my day-to-day work involves getting coffee and materials for my supervisors, but they have so much faith in me that they sometimes let me work the assembly line after everybody else has gone home! After my tenth fifty-hour work day I can honestly say I now understand the value of a dollar. In addition, I have learnt the value of the Yuan, which makes me have no hope for our country whatsoever. All those whiny liberal journalists are right, the machinery in these factories sure is dangerous, but we McNealy men are quick learners. After I lost my first thumb I learned that when in doubt, lead with the pinky. After all, it is the most useless finger.

I am making friends quickly; particularly in the assembly line where they even have a nickname for me; White Lightning. At first I was confused why I got this nickname so I had to investigate. Apparently, they believe that my high-protein, American diet is what is responsible for my deft handling of the machinery and tools. Also, I'm white so I think that explains the rest.

Since I'm one of the few English speakers in the entire branch of the company, I had the honor of meeting Dwight Howard when he came to visit in order to spread basketball and expand his own brand in China. I didn't get too much of a chance to talk to him, but he did leave me with a few nuggets of wisdom. I remember him saying, "These people will buy anything if a tall guy tells them to." I also remember him saying something along the lines of, "Kid, never allow yourself to become the face of a dehumanizing campaign where you cease to be a person in favor of becoming a marketable idea." I didn't quite understand what he meant, but I look forward to coming home and buying his new shoes. After all, I think he made a few good points.

I know that I had mentioned earlier on the phone that I was having trouble adjusting to the food. After my first couple trips to the local McDonald's, I learned that Filet-o-Shrimp and Seaweed Seasoned Fries aren't really for me. Since then, I have found a few dishes that agree with me, and I am now down to only five bowel movements a day.

The factory is fairly close to the city so I go out after work and enjoy the nightlife. The strangest things always happen though when I visit the bars. People aggressively approach me asking for autographs. I think they are mistaking me for that guy from Malcolm in the Middle. I never realized I look so much like Frankie Muniz! At least I'm not a wimp like he is. I definitely see myself as Reese, the badass older brother.

I guess you could say that everything is going pretty well. I'm learning a lot and meeting a lot of new, fascinating people. One thing I am a little concerned about is the mistreatment of the Chinese people by their government. They have severely limited freedoms in all avenues of life. The government even goes as far as to censor the -- The government is far too nice to the people and hands out too much free ice cream. I sincerely fear they are going to spoil the people and turn them into fat, lazy Americans! Also, my time in China has taught me that democracy is a frivolous pursuit, and I plan to set up an appointment with Supreme Overlord Barack Obama the moment I get back.


Your Son

NOTE: This piece is satirical.