U2's lead singer spent the better part of the past week denying claims that he's now a woman after a series of newspapers ran headlines such as "Bono Has Sex Change." The news was in reference to Chastity Bono, manly daughter of Cher, not the frontman for the legendary rock outfit.
The former recently underwent gender reassignment surgery, leaving Bono with a lot of explaining to do. And not just from the gossip-driven media.
"I had no idea what was going on when my wife called in tears," recalled Bono, who seemed not only annoyed at the false claims, but at the fact that explaining himself was distracting from his usual activities of saving the world and being over-dramatic. "She kept on repeating 'It all makes sense', but I thought she'd just finally understood why we made our Pop album. Turns out she thought I was a woman."
U2's bandmates also grilled the lead singer after hearing the news.
"I just assumed the news meant that he had a sex change years ago," said U2 guitarist Edge. "Like they just found records that revealed that he used to be a man."
Learning that his lifelong musical partners believed him to be a woman for over 30 years only added to Bono's confusion.
While Bono was distraught by having to defend his existence as a man, he did admit that he would consider a sex change for the "right reasons."
"If one child in Africa was happier because I became a woman, I would go through with it," said Bono. "It doesn't matter if I'm a man or a woman. The only reason I exist on this planet is to save it. And wear women's sunglasses."
-Dan Abramson, thehollywoodham.com