I've been trying to eat better lately. I'm including the caveat that I'm "trying" rather than "consistently succeeding" because, well, let's be real. *Glances down at belly pooching over waistband, brushes cookie crumbs off chest* While it's not easy for me to completely commit to a healthy eating plan, I can tell when I've been on the right track for a while because not only do my clothes fit better, but I feel better all over -- more energy, improved moods, more confidence.
That said, there are SOME "healthy" foods that absolutely do NOT make me feel like my very best self. At all. In fact, given the choice between these superfoods and a super-sized rear end, I think I'd choose the extra booty every time. For instance:
Asparagus. So tasty when it's grilled or roasted, especially with a little lemon and olive oil and sea salt, SO UNSPEAKABLY HORRENDOUS LATER WHEN YOU PEE. Fun fact: that awful-smelling asparagus urine smell happens after your digestive system breaks down a sulfur-containing compound called asparagusic acid, and it's believed certain people don't have the DNA code-associated nasal receptors to detect said odor. If that's the case for you, just know that it smells like your toilet is actually a gateway into a hellish dimension roiling with a volatile pungent stench worse than a thousand skunk carcasses piled on a mountain of rotten eggs.
Cauliflower. Or any cruciferous vegetable, really. The problem here isn't the taste -- I love these vegetables whether steamed, roasted, or stir-fried. It's the smell when they're cooking, which my oldest son once described as "Like a million farts but worse." Plus, the actual farts afterwards. Not worth it, cauliflower.
Kale. Speaking of farts, how did kale suddenly become this big trendy superfood when it basically makes your butthole play "Flight of the Bumblebee" for like FIVE HOURS after you eat it? Fine, maybe that's just me, but as far as I'm concerned kale can suck it. Especially those depressing dried chunks people keep trying to pass off as a viable junk food substitute. You're not fooling anyone, kale chips.
Dried apricots. Never eat a whole bag of these. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER do this. Take it from me.
Beets. God, I love beets. I eat them all the time, especially now that the steamed/peeled packaged variety is so readily available. They're sweet, delicious, and downright mind-blowing when paired with a little feta cheese. Here's the thing, though: no matter how many times I eat them, I experience the same amount of soul-chilling horror the next day when I, um, go to the bathroom. "OH MY GOD I'M DYING I'M BLEEDING OUT FROM THE INSIDE I'M HEMORRHAGING FROM ASS CANCER SWEET JESUS TELL MY CHILDREN I LOVE THEM GOODBYE SWEET WORL -- ohhhh, right. Beets."
What foods would you add to the "healthy, but not worth the repercussions" list?
More from The Stir: