04/07/2014 03:03 pm ET Updated Jun 06, 2014

Doctors May Not Be Able to Tell When Dick Cheney Actually Dies

Baltimore, Maryland -- Researchers at The Johns Hopkins School of Medicine announced today that former Vice President Dick Cheney is so morally decayed it may be impossible to discern when his few remaining human components cease functioning. According to the findings, nearly every sign of putrefaction from massive bacterial gas to liquefied internal organs exist to such an extent within his public statements and actions that virtually nothing remains to quantify him as hominid.

Cheney, 73, has been kept alive on a combination of extreme personal cowardice and consequence-free bloodlust.