THE BLOG
03/31/2016 01:02 pm ET Updated Apr 01, 2017

Hillary Clinton Files PFA Against Bernie Sanders

BROOKLYN, N.Y. - Top Clinton campaign operatives announced today that a Protection From Accountability order against Bernie Sanders has been granted by MSNBC. Joel Benenson, senior Clinton strategist and Corporatist-whore-without-Portfolio, had previously demanded Sanders alter his "tone" from one of running for president to one of weepy resignation.

Fiery young progressives Charles Schumer and Debbie Wasserman Schultz hailed the news as a way to energize the Democratic Party behind President Obama's economic policies. Which, they boast, have brought prosperity to everyone from Timothy Geithner to Peter Orszag baby mamas.

Meanwhile, an attempt by Hillary to generate spontaneous Sanders campaign rally excitement misfired tragically earlier today. Clinton took the stage dressed as The Little Old Bird Woman from Mary Poppins to the maudlin strains of "Feed The Birds". Unfortunately Bill Clinton, waiting backstage, missed his cue to release the menagerie of penned up pigeons and doves due to the presence of an attractive stagehand. When he did regain focus and opened the cage, the startled fowl violently attacked the former President and pecked out the last remnants of his integrity.

Despite MSNBC's efforts, national polls continually show Senator Sanders as the candidate more likely to win in November. Though a recent poll of "likely voters" for a Trump / Clinton race shows Hillary Clinton defeating Donald Trump.

116 votes to 97.