01/13/2009 02:54 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

McCain Urges American Men to Marry Their Richest Mistress

Bayonne, NJ - In an effort to deal with rapidly worsening economic conditions, John McCain called on cheating husbands to follow his example of tactical remarriage. Speaking in a dimly lit pickup joint to a crowd of self-described horndogs, McCain urged married men to "find a skirt what's got cabbage".

McCain went on to say that while he always enjoyed "knockin knees with any tomato" during his first marriage, he ultimately decided to leave his wife after an auto accident "86ed her gams". McCain cautioned however that men should stay with their current spouse "if she's holdin dough".

McCain, who married the multimillionaire beer heiress Cindy Hensley after a whirlwind extramarital affair, told the crowd how fortunate he was that "she's easy on the eyes and sloppin over with simoleons from giggle water".

Sources close to the McCain campaign admit being troubled by the Senator's use of slightly dated lingo which some bar patrons born after 1940 might find difficult to decipher. Though campaign lobbyist/strategist Rick Davis quickly added that "the story of John McCain's personal life is the story of relentless self-absorption that lies at the heart of the American dream".