No American sporting event is as closely tied to food as a baseball game. Chowing down on a good snack isn't just an incidental part of the experience, it's an integral part of it, and it has been for more than a century.
However, in the many years since Norworth & Von Tilzer first penned "Take Me Out To The Ballgame," stadiums have begun offering a lot more culinary options than just peanuts and cracker jack. So which is king of the ballpark kitchen? And which are just pretenders to the throne?
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Here is my definitive ranking of baseball stadium food:
12) Corndogs
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Corndogs are disgusting. You have never had a good corndog. Those memories you claim you hold from your childhood of chowing down on delicious corndogs never happened.
11) Pizza
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Don't get me wrong, I love pizza. But context matters, and we're talking solely about ballpark pizza here. It's been sitting too long under those heat lamps, the cheese is clumpy, and it's never as filling as you want it to be. For a truly delicious slice, you're almost always better off frequenting the joints around the stadium.
10) Cotton Candy
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If you're over the age of 10 and you're still ordering cotton candy at a baseball game, you need to get your act together. Those things are a root canal on a stick. I last had cotton candy in like 2005 and my fingertips are STILL sticky from it.
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9) Nachos
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The quintessential "eyes are bigger than your stomach" stadium food. Those first few handfuls of chips and toppings are so tasty, but five minutes later you're pawning them off, asking everyone around you to help finish them. Rarely worth their price tag.
8) Chicken Fingers
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The Mark Buehrle of stadium food -- undeniably solid but rarely spectacular. Go with the honey mustard dip over BBQ sauce to maximize their value.
7) Peanuts
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For some pastime purists, a baseball game isn't complete without approximately 50,000 peanut shells strewn around their feet. Let me be democratic and just say that I am decidedly not one of those people.
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6) Soft Pretzels
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Now we're getting to the all-star foods. You can even improve this ranking by 2 or 3 spots more if you're ordering the soft pretzel at a Phillies game.
5) Soft Serve Ice Cream
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Look at that ice cream cone. It's looks so inviting. It's so hot at this baseball game. I need one. Now I have one! It melted :(
4) Chili Cheese Fries
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Cheese fries ... chili fries ... chili cheese fries... It doesn't quite matter how they come. Regardless of presentation, this is an absolute must-have sporting food indulgence.
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3) Hot Dogs
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Hamburgers and cheeseburgers might get more love at your typical backyard cookout. But, at the ballpark, it's the hot dog that's king of the grill. Attending your first baseball game and realizing you can eat a hot dog the size of your arm is a seminal moment in any young fan's life.
2) Cracker Jack
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Cracker Jack is as underrated as its "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" brothers, peanuts, are overrated. Each box is a nonstop supply of mouth-watering, finger-licking, candy-coated nirvana. And then there's their ineffable qualities: their timelessness, their tradition, the fact that it just somehow feels cosmically right and good to be chowing down on these guys as you cheer from the crowd.
1) Beer
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Because all of this food has made you very thirsty. Also, because beer.
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