By: Andy Kryza
I firmly believe that in order to be a proper caregiver, it's important to fully understand what your dependents are eating. When I got a puppy, I felt it was my duty to taste the snacks my best friend most enjoyed. Now, with my lovely wife expecting our firstborn, it became my mission to get a fatherly grasp on what would provide my progeny with nutrition.
Bravely, I made haste to the grocery store and grabbed a random sampling of common baby and toddler foods. Which is a more eloquent way of saying I got some standard purees and formulas, then looked for unappealing combinations of ground-up meats, veggies, and other mystery ingredients. I started with infant formula, then progressed through the smorgasbord based on the intended age of consumption. Here they are, rated on a scale of 1-10, 1 indicating that it tastes like something found in a diaper, 10 being something I'd totally eat again. There weren't any 10s.
You know what this tastes like? A gross version of the almond milk my wife always tries to convince me is the same as real milk, which it's not. Do you ever dunk cookies in almond milk? It's like dunking them in water. Also, why does my mouth taste drier than it did before I put this liquid in my mouth? Is this why babies are always drinking?
Fun fact: my sister told me she used to eat pureed plum baby food in high school (my brother says she still does). She says they're delicious. But she also really likes Dave Matthews, so it's dubious. These are perfection... if you enjoy the taste of pre-chewed raisins.
Other Fruits and Vegetables
Unsurprisingly, the other fruits and veggies taste like what they are. The carrots taste like carrots. The apples taste like applesauce. The snozberries taste like snozberries. You're not reading this to watch a grown man eat apple sauce. Moving on.
I'm pretty weirded out that the Chicken & Vegetable flavor looks like mustard, but hey, I like mustard. But this doesn't taste like mustard. It tastes like watered-down day-old gravy, and it's pretty damn gross.
I'm even more weirded out that the Chicken & Rice is a completely different color. It's brown. But even more alarming? It's all grainy. And it's sweet. It tastes like somebody took a can of Campbell's low-sodium chicken soup and, when it came time to put in the can of water, dumped in some apple juice instead. Hello, dry heaves! I was wondering when you were coming to the party.
Mac & Cheese with Vegetables
First, unless the vegetable is bacon, vegetables don't belong in mac & cheese. Second, I'm pretty sure this is just Tostitos cheddar dip that somebody forgot to put the cheese flavoring in. Well, probably not, because it's for babies. Still, if this was the first taste of mac & cheese that my child got, I'm pretty sure I'd never forgive myself for being a failure as a father.
Ham with Ham Gravy
When I popped this jar open, I got a heavy whiff that reminded me of Spam. Which is awesome, because I actually like Spam. So I put a huge scoop of this in my mouth and... MOTHER OF GOD! It's like somebody used hot ham water to make some sort of papier-mâché paste, then put it in a jar. And it's sticking to the roof of my mouth. Ye gods! The terrible taste of this ham goop and the glorious scent of Spam are jockeying for my sensory attention. I think I'm going to pass out. Time for a palate cleanser.
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