By: Lee Breslouer
Starbucks has roughly 50 drinks on its menu and infinity ways to customize them, but you've probably only had a fraction. And even I know a fraction of 50 isn't a lot, despite my embarrassing math SAT score. So, to help you break the chains of habit, I ordered every single drink on the Starbucks menu in order to tell you what's the best, and what is simply Youthberry tea. Perhaps you'll read this and find something new you want to try. Or perhaps you'll think I'm wrong about everything. Let's find out together!
But first, a few caveats
1) I didn't taste-test seasonal drinks because I wanted this ranking to be relevant and useful year-round. No Pumpkin Spice Latte, etc. I only ordered what was on the menu board.
2) I didn't order the same drink hot and iced (unless it was listed that way on the menu -- like the Caramel Macchiato) because then this ranking would be very long and very boring.
3) I did not customize the drinks in any way, so I could drink them as Starbucks intended.
51. (tie) Very Berry Hibiscus Starbucks Refreshers
I'm deathly allergic to strawberries and mostly allergic to blackberries, which is 99% of this drink. So I didn't try this and as such, it has to fall to the bottom. I hate what you do to me, berries. Allergists out there, can you heal me? Tweet at me!
51. (tie) Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino
I put aside my severe allergic reaction to strawberries, and took a sip of this. It was great! J/K, I never tried it. If Superman were a skinny Jewish guy from Delaware, strawberries would be his kryptonite.
51. (tie) Strawberry Smoothie
WHY MUST EVERYTHING HAVE BERRIES?!?
48. Caramel Frappuccino
Caramel reminds me of some flavoring the dentist used to give me before numbing my mouth and filling a cavity. I can't shake it when I'm drinking it. I'm immediately transported to the dentist's office.
47. Caramel Iced Coffee
46. Teavana Youthberry
Here's what's in this tea: "red currants, açai berry, hibiscus, rose petals, candied pineapple, mango pieces, and Fuji and Golden Delicious apples." I would've been happy with one or two of those ingredients, but all together is too much for my taste buds. At least there's no caramel in it.
45. Cool Lime Starbucks Refreshers
I ordered this in the dead of winter, but it was luckily a 59-degree day, so I was more than ready to be refreshed. Sadly, I did not find it in this combination of "lime, citrus and hints of mint and cucumber." Luckily the description succeeded in refreshing me a little, but the drink left me a little empty. On the upside, there's flavorless Green Coffee Extract mixed in for an energy boost.
44. Green Tea Crème Frappuccino
You know that friend of yours who's always on a diet, and whose heart is in the right place, but they don't understand which foods are actually healthy? Your friend loves this drink.
This is a tall espresso, essentially. And since I'm not a huge fan of regular-sized espressos, this does nothing for me.
The espresso gets bonus points for not being an Americano! But this is the opposite of my thing. Pretty sure people fake that they enjoy drinking a thimble of coffee because they think it looks cool to drink things out of tiny cups. It doesn't. This is the e-cig of coffee drinks.
41. Espresso Macchiato
Slightly better because of the foam on top.
Has a slightly bitter finish, and tastes stronger than most Starbucks drinks, probably because it doesn't have all that sugar that helps make the majority of their drinks so delicious. Ultimately, this doesn't do what I want it to do, which is pump my blood full of sugar and caffeine. In fact, it doesn't have as much caffeine as some of their Frappuccinos.
39. Vanilla Iced Coffee
The vanilla syrup just wasn't working for me. I want iced coffee to taste like iced coffee OR be a milkshake (à la the Frappuccino). This appears to be neither.
38. Tazo Calm Chamomile
This tastes like chamomile, aka the daisy-like plant used to calm stomachs since the beginning of time. Do you think when Chamillionaire was popular he was approached by Tazo to endorse this product? C'mon, if this was 2005, you wouldn't buy Chamillionaire's Calm Chamomile?
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