Last spring I was stuck. I mean really stuck. I'd been down the unexpected path of living with cancer for the past five years. And, at this point in the road- the place I like to call The Aftermath - I lived in fear that this was how my life was always going to be. Stuck.
I was in desperate need of a holiday. But I was in need of a getaway destination where I would feel comfortable being a single girl on vacation - not where I would be bombarded by couples holding hands at sunset (help me!). The Oaks in Oja seemed like the perfect spot.
A spartan spa nestled in the mountains just south of Santa Barbara seemed like just the right place to heal my wounds and indulge myself in season 4 of 24.
Sounds perfect, right? Yes, but...THERE WAS NO DVD player. And why should there be - it's a Spartan spa and who really needs an electronic device when you can do endless yoga, mindful breathing and a late afternoon Wasu massage (don't ask). Me, that's who. So now I was left alone and lonely, living off my stash of smuggled in chips, muffins and beer. .
It didn't take long for me to realize once again that the loneliness you feel inside travels wherever you go. Paralyzed, full of despair and in a muffin-coma, I gave in and began watching television: Television with commercials. What was to become of me?
And then something magical happened --I discovered The Dog Whisperer. I watched episode upon episode of Cesar and his dog psychology and it all seemed so simple. I felt Cesar talking not only to the dogs and their owners, but also to me. Why had I been wasting money on shrinks who wanted me to keep on grieving?
One episode touched me deeply - Cesar was visiting with a family with a rescued dog who needed help. I could relate to the family who looked at their dog as someone with a horrible, tragic past. I had done the same thing with my beloved Ellie the wonder dog.
And then Cesar said something that really struck a chord: "Dogs don't live in the past, they only live in the present." I didn't expect words from an animal expert on Bravo to unleash a torrent of emotion, but these did and I was shocked. Sure, we all try to live in the moment as best we can, but it's easier said than done. But something about the canine context knocked my demons for a loop and for the first time in years I felt like they were releasing their stranglehold on me. Like the poor rescued mutt, were I to continue to look at myself as a tragic girl who had been robbed, than that was what I was setting up myself to be.
And so, thanks to he Dog Whisperer, I was finally free. Free to think of myself as someone who had a lot of time ahead of her. Someone who was going to enjoy the present, whatever it might bring. I was not a girl with a tragic past, but someone who had braved the unspeakable and had come out okay. I was finally unstuck.