This past Saturday night, I tucked myself into the Starbucks in Baltimore's Mt. Washington to do my usual evening's writing when an awkward couple came in to the store and sat next to me.
Within the first 5 minutes of conversation, I overheard the guy begin to casually insult his date, by telling her that she was "dressed like a cougar or one of the Desperate Housewives," to which I laughed out loud. From there on in, it was a downward spiral.
I took the liberty of live Tweeting this terrible date, and have compiled the tweets below for your reading pleasure.
I think we've all been on terrible dates, but this one in particular takes the cake. To quote my former Social Studies teachers, you should share this with as many of your friends as possible, so "history doesn't repeat itself."
The date is pictured here. Yes, I took a picture, but only to give all the people commenting and following along a good look at their body language... And now of course, I want to find this woman. Here is my Craigslist: Missed Connections Ad. Also, legal counsel advised me that I should edit their faces if I was going to publish this online, so I made them both look EXPONENTIALLY MORE ATTRACTIVE.
The saga begins at 7:37PM. By the end of the night, everyone in Starbucks was following my Twitter and watching them.
When they started walking out, I called over the woman and told her that she was better than to put up with this guy. Happy Reading.
To enhance your reading experience, I imagine that this was the soundtrack that this guy had playing on repeat in his mind the entire time:
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 7:37PM
I consider it a gift from God when an awkward first date sits down next to me at Starbucks when I'm writing.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 7:40PM
"You dress like a 'cougar' or a what do you call it? 'Desperate Housewife.' -Guy on 1st date. "I've never gotten that before," - his date
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 7:43PM
Now they're thumb wrestling! THIS IS AMAZING! THANK YOU JESUS !
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 7:45PM
"That was some fucking energy" - The guy commenting on their thumb wrestling match. Yes, I'm live tweeting a terrible first date.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 7:52PM
And now on to phase 3. Improv Games! This is THE BEST.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:01PM
Who asks "would you like a hot beverage?" The guy on the worst first date ever who brought his date to Starbucks without buying something.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:02PM
So the initial concept, "Hey, let's go sit in a Starbucks without purchasing anything," works for both the homeless and this bad 1st date.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:05PM
"You're hoighty toighty too." -The Guy "I've never been told that one either..." - The woman Live Tweeting the Worst First Date Ever
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:06PM
"We can cheers (our starbucks coffees) on not liking scary movies." - The guy on the worst date ever
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:13PM
Oh my God... he's a mega Christian who has been on Mission Trips... that explains it. Live Tweeting the worst first date ever.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:18PM
"Sometimes I think we're just here to reproduce." - Guy on the worst first date ever
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:24PM
"Oh... Im listening to an audio book about the brain right now. I dont remember what it's called. It's a really long title" - The Guy
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:27PM
So she's either REALLY NICE or DESPERATE. I can't get a good read on her. Any self respecting woman would have walked out by now. 1st date
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:30PM
Ok people, if he goes to the bathroom... which he might bc he's so nervous, should I try to "rebound" and pick her up?
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:33PM
And now for his description of reading "No Country for Old Men," He used the term "gripping," 4 times. Not as gripping as this conversation
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:36PM
And now on to phase 6 of "How Not To Score," MOCKING HER CAREER! Can some women in Baltimore show up to this Starbucks to save her?
MEschRadtke Marie Esch-Radtke 8:37PM
@TimRunsHisMouth I think you've got a good shot at her...until she appreciates how creepily you've been eavesdropping.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:39PM
@MEschRadtke Oh, I can't tell her I've been live tweeting them. That IS creepy. "hey 12k people have been following your POS date"
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:41PM
"I feel like you're a nicer person than the person you were that I talked to on the phone. You had a stretch where you were kinda bitchy."
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:43PM
Well, I cant give her my card with my Twitter handle on it. That would lead to some awkwardness.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:44PM
Calling a girl "bitchy" on a first date then following up with a question about whether or not she wants kids is a smooth operator move.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:45PM
I just want to hug her and say "It gets better."
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:47PM
He's now complaining that she didn't buy him his drink at Starbucks. O.M.G.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:52PM
Me to her as they left the Starbucks, "Oh, excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that everything he said about your image is wrong, you're very attractive. That was the worst first date that I have ever seen, and if you go out with him again, you don't respect yourself."
She laughed and left. I didn't get her number, sorry to disappoint, but I hope she listens.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 8:56PM
Minutes later, I realized that I basically just had an Oprah-esque women's lib moment. I need to act out to prove that I'm a jerk again.
TimRunsHisMouth Tim Young 9:50PM
It's not a stretch to reenact the plot of the failed 2001 Nsync Movie "On the Line," to find her. Who knows the editors at The City Paper?