08/31/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

If You Don't See The Hurt Locker This Weekend, You're Weak.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Butterflies are weak and they're very beautiful. Babies are weak and cuddly and adorable. Weakness is not inherently a bad thing.

Also, trying to act strong just for the sake of acting strong can lead to all sorts of problems, just look at the Bush Administration.

But it is a fact that, if you don't go see The Hurt Locker, in a theater, this weekend, you are weak.

You're weak because though you've read that it's the most highly regarded film of the year, you still haven't bought a ticket.

You're weak because you think it'll be too "intense" or "heavy."

You're weak because you always, always knew Kathryn Bigalow was capable of making a cinematic masterpiece -- after all, this is the same woman who got amazing performances out of both Patrick Swayze AND Keanu Reeves in the same freakin movie -- and now she has actually gone and made that masterpiece and you're still not going.

You're weak because you're thinking "I can always watch it on DVD." even though you know it will be so much better in the theater. Frankly, you're only waiting for the DVD because you think it will be less intense at home. Because you're the sort who, if you'd had the chance, would have waited for Apocalypse Now to be available on your iPhone. It's just easier to watch intense stuff that way, right? You know it.

As far as I could tell, this was not a pro-war film or an anti-war film. I don't think it is going to further anyone's particular agenda. Maybe you sense that, maybe you're not interested in serious films that feature contemporary issues unless they somehow add fodder to your political arguments. Well, that's weak.

And, finally, you're weak because you're probably just thinking, "Isn't that a movie about Iraq? Ugh, I am so, so tired of Iraq."

Like any broad statement, there are exceptions. There are people who are not technically weak who have perfectly good reasons for not going to this movie. Exceptions can be made. But in general, what I'm talking about here is a scientific fact.

The Hurt Locker is a smart, well executed, captivating and enthralling, beautifully shot, brilliantly edited, well-acted adventure of a movie. It's a film that makes you believe in film. It's playing right now, nationwide, at theaters everywhere, but if you're too weak for that, well, that's fine. I understand. Really. No problem. You can always order High School Musical III from Netflix. I hear that's great.