12/24/2007 07:53 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

The President's Christmas Eve Letter

Dear Santa,

It's been a so-so year. Could have been better. Jenna wrote a book (Gosh, didn't see that coming! Who'd a thunk it. I sure couldn't do that.) and, well, I guess that's all that happened that was any good.

Okay, real quick 'cause it's bedtime, here's my list of the things I want:

(1) Rebuild New Orleans: No one around here seems to want to do it, so I guess it's just up to you and the elves.

(2) No Child Left Behind: Sure it sounds great but turns out to be kind of tricky, and I tried but I seem to have just messed it up even more. (Momz probably right, I'm just no good at nuthun.)

(3) Peace in the Middle East: I don't know if you have any supporters over there in Iran, Iraq, Palestine, Israel, Turkey, Pakistan, or Afghanistan. I'm sure I don't. But maybe you can do something. Boy, I've tried. Me and Condi, we've done near done everything we could think of!

(4) No More Climate Change: At first I tried to wish it wasn't so, but I guess there's just no ignoring it. And now Al Gore's gone and got himself both an Oscar and a Nobel Prize while all I've got is a couple hundred boxes of Jenna's stupid unsold book. Hey baby Jesus, thanks for nothing! Anyway Santa, save the polar bears and stuff, okay? Thanks.

(5) No More Foreclosures: I thought the phrase "Ownership Society" would make everything okay for everybody, but guess what Santa, it didn't. Just last night I was getting upset watching the news about how people were getting thrown out of their homes and so now Dick says they won't let me watch the TV no more.

(6) Lastly, and this is an important one, whatever you do, Don't, Don't Don't let Hillary win. That would be soooo embarrassing. My mom would just never let me forget that one. Not ever.

That's it. Thanks for doing all this stuff. You know, being President is real hard. My head aches. I'm going to bed now.

Enjoy the milk and sorry I ate all the cookies,