12/20/2005 10:22 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

The War Against The Winter Solstice

Dear Holiday Celebrants,

There is growing concern amongst some of us that the “Christians” are now celebrating the birth of their deity right around (or on!) December 25.

I’m going to put this into what I like to call the “No Spin Zone” and tell it to you straight. This is, frankly, rude to those of us who have been celebrating the end of increasing darkness on this date for thousands of years.

First, some “Talking Points”, as we all know December 25 is the first day that one can discern, with the naked eye, that the time of increasingly longer nights has ended and that every day is now being gloriously gilded with more and more light in an ever earlier dawn. This is marvelous and worthy of great celebration! Were it not for this turn of good fortune, the days would just continue to get shorter and we would be cast into a grim, cold and unending darkness.

So, right, back to the Christians. We have actually read through their “bible” and have found no sign that “Jesus” was born in December. Actually there's no reference that he was even a Capricorn! So come on. They have 364 other days to choose from, why don’t they pick some other day? Like April 15, nothing good ever happens then.

I will say they seem to have some momentum on their side. They've even taken our traditional habit of hanging wreaths and decorating evergreen trees, going so far as to actually name them “Christmas Trees”. What will they take next? Our gingerbread houses? Our egg nog? Is nothing sacred to these people?

So, the spin stops here, we’re open minded people, we believe in freedom, but if you send a card to someone that says “Happy Holiday” and they write back complaining that you should say “Merry Christmas” it seems only right that you should scratch that out and write back saying “Happy Saturnalia, celebrated in honor of Sol Invictus!” And then send them that fruitcake your Aunt Magus made, they deserve it.