This week the Supreme Court is hearing oral arguments on California's Proposition 8 and Section 3 of the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), and the entire country will be eagerly awaiting what the outcomes may be and how those outcomes will affect the lives of gay citizens of the United States. Just like most of the LGBT community, I'm extremely excited about the outcome, and I'm hoping that the Supreme Court makes the only fair decision, and that is to find both laws unconstitutional. However, I have to honestly admit that if the Supreme Court does make that decision, I'm a little nervous, maybe even scared, about what that means for my relationship with Vivian.
What scares me is that I want to get married, and I honestly don't know how Vivian feels about this topic. Some of you may find this strange, especially given that Vivian and I have been together for 10 years. How is it that I could not know what she thinks? Simply put, it's a topic that we sort of stopped discussing, because at one point we did not agree on the topic. In the early stages of our relationship, Vivian didn't believe that it should be called "marriage," because of her upbringing. I will admit that I felt the same way, not because of upbringing but because I felt that it would be easier to achieve marriage equality if we called it something else. However, my views changed, and Vivian's remained the same. This led us to discuss the topic less and less, and eventually it was no longer discussed at all.
There is also the fact that Vivian was married once before and has stated on several occasions that she isn't sure whether she would want to marry again. I understand where she is coming from, because I was there for the divorce, and I know how difficult it was for her. Trust me, it took its toll on both of us. There was a period of time when Vivian wouldn't even discuss the future, because she was afraid to let me down if those future plans did not come to be. Gladly, that has changed, and we now discuss the future quite often.
I want to believe that once the possibility of becoming legally married becomes a reality for us, Vivian would want to marry me just as much as I want to marry her, but I just don't know. That scares me. If she doesn't want to marry me, what will I do?
I want to be married; being gay never changed that. Yes, some of you may say that if I wanted to be married, I could have had a commitment ceremony or even gone to a different state to get married. Yes, I could have, but I want the same type of marriage that my sister and my parents have, so I made a conscious decision that I would not get married until my marriage is recognized as equal to every other marriage in the country.
Once that happens, I am not sure that I want to be in just a long-term relationship. I want to be in a legally recognized marriage. Am I saying that I will end my relationship with Vivian if she doesn't agree? No. I honestly don't think I will -- I love her too much -- but I have to say that I will be extremely hurt if she doesn't want the same thing that I do. This could possibly lead to some issues in our relationship.
Amidst the excitement over the Supreme Court cases, some of the focus has been on what will happen to the state of marriage in the United States. I honestly feel that nothing will happen except that more people will be getting married, because gay couples will begin to marry along with straight people. But what about the relationships like mine, where both parties don't agree on marriage? Up to this point, we did not have to worry about this, because we didn't have any other option. However, once that changes, will these relationships stand the test of time?
On some level it has already affected me, because up to this point, I have always referred to my relationship as a marriage, but here I am referring to it as a relationship. Let's be honest: If marriage equality is achieved, I really can't refer to my relationship as a marriage any longer, because if I want it to be a marriage, I will have that option, unlike today.
So as exciting as this week is, for me it brings some fear, because I don't know what my relationship will be if the Supreme Court comes down on the right side of history, and that is a drag.