New York - The "New York Times" is reporting that Goldman Sachs has completed its acquisition of the Atlantic Ocean, stunning the other remaining investment bank. An overpaid spokesperson for the firm has confirmed the story to The Times, in exchange for "above the fold" placement of his daughter's wedding announcement. A no-longer relevant competitor also confirmed the acquisition, saying, "We were wondering why everybody at that place had such a big yacht! Now we know they've been using them to drop flags overboard, staking their claim on the ocean floor."
Art Cashin, Director of Floor Trading believes this is could be a sign of a market bottom - or the apocalypse; he's not exactly sure until the Transports confirm. Steve Grasso, Floor Trader at the NYSE, refused to comment until the cameras were on him. Revisionist historian Jim Cramer proclaimed that he told everyone this was going to happen -- The "Times" could find no evidence of his claim. Goldman will control access to the Atlantic Ocean from New York and Washington D.C, both of which it already owns.