THE BLOG
11/21/2014 05:22 pm ET Updated Jan 21, 2015

Lab-Grown Penises: Supersize Mine, Please

In case you missed it, last month researchers at the Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine announced they are making substantial progress toward the objective of growing human penises in a laboratory, prompting me and three billion other men to exclaim "Woo Hoo!" then spend the rest of our afternoon thinking up sophomoric wisecracks.

To be serious for just a second, we're talking about real news and real science here. Back in 2009, the team at Wake Forest succeeded in growing a "functional engineered solid organ" for a rabbit and they have already succeeded in growing human erectile tissue. The only step left is to grow such tissue into a full-scale penis and sew it onto a dude with a broken dinger, but it's probably a bit more technical than I'm making it sound. Whatever. The point is, well heck -- LAB GROWN PENISES!

My wife had to deal with me bouncing around like Tigger for a whole afternoon -- "The wonderful thing about peckers is peckers are wonderful things" -- and she observed, cynically enough, "Do you mean to tell me they have the technology to grow regenerative organs and the first thing they do is grow a d*ck? Heaven forbid they should start with a heart, or a lung, or maybe a liver. Obviously what the world needs is more penises."

Well, little miss smarty-pants, as a matter of fact they did not start with penises. Penises were second. Researchers began with the very most important thing of all. Between 2006 and 2009, researchers grew vaginas and implanted them in four teenage girls, in whom said vaginas are "working normally." So there.

Scientists are humans too and they've got their priorities straight. First, build some lady parts to make sure they work right. Then, build some man hammers to do the work. Hearts, lungs and livers can wait. After all, there's no sense keeping people alive if their privates aren't worth living for.

I have no clue what's involved in making a penis grow... wait... I mean growing a penis in a lab. The other kind of penis growth I can still manage on my own. Whatever the researchers at Wake Forest are up to, however, that's a complete mystery. Maybe they grow it on a penis-shaped lattice, or maybe they use potting soil and a drip irrigation system. I don't know but I rather hope it's a process similar to whatever was involved in growing a human ear on a mouse's back.

If that's how they do it, I'd like them to grow me a penis on the back of a walrus. That would have been funnier if I'd said the back of a sperm whale, but how are they going to get a whale in a lab?

However they do it, I hope they explore some upgrades for Penis 2.0, like maybe they could splice in some anglerfish genes to make it glow in the dark. Even cooler would be a king cobra so a guy could sit cross legged on the sidewalk and charm his own snake.

Truth be told, I don't care how they do it. I just want them to do it with all haste. The world does indeed need all the new healthy penises it can get!