12/30/2013 10:11 am ET Updated Feb 28, 2014

Mother Appeals Court's Order to Circumcise Her Son

On Christmas Eve I read the story of an Israeli woman who is appealing a court ruling ordering her to circumcise her son. A fabulous seasonal narrative, no?

I worked my way through college as a janitor in the circumcision ward. The wages were bad, but I picked up a lot of tips.

Anyway, I'm telling you the truth here -- there's a woman in Jerusalem who wants to keep her baby's tweeter the way it is while her husband wants to give it the chop and the court had to intervene. Reuters' Maayan Lubell reported:

"There is no law in Israel making circumcision obligatory for Jews, but a rabbinical court that was presiding over the woman's divorce case ruled last month that she must fulfill her husband's wish in the matter."

It's sad about the divorce. Do you know the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? In a divorce you get rid of the whole d*ck.

So, to slice or not to slice? She's standing firm thus far, but for refusing to get her boy a trim, the woman is accumulating fines of 500 shekels a day.

I'll tell you a secret: Until I read the aforementioned story, I had no idea that Israel still uses shekels. That is so cool! Shekels, like in the bill for the last supper ("Okay guys, so that's 144 shekels. With gratuity let's call it 180, and Jesus, put your wallet away"). But I digress.

Evidently, at least one Israeli mother hasn't gotten the word that an uncut winky is an effrontery to the Lord. Well it is. It's right there in the Torah:

"And whatsoever He hath wrought of turtleneck form shalt thou snip..." (Pediatrix 1:9)

There's no reason I can think of not to surgically redesign an infant's penis. It's just one more thing he can discuss with his therapist decades after the fact.

And besides that, what does she have against circumcision? It's no skin off her nose.

I'm sure it hurts. After their circumcision some boys don't walk for a year.

Seriously though, if you're considering a circumcision, remember that you get what you pay for. A cheap circumcision is a bloody rip-off.

Happy 2014.