NEWPORT BEACH, Cal. -- What can one say about Dennis Rodman. There are known unknowns, there are unknown unknowns and there are known clowns. If you put Dennis Rodman's brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backward. Dennis Rodman is weirder than advertised. Rumor has it that Nicki Minaj finds him too strange to date.
According to The Worm himself:
"If I don't finish in the top three for the next Nobel Peace Prize, something's seriously wrong."
You'll recall, no doubt, that back in February Rodman sojourned in Pyongyang, kicking it with Kim Jong-un who reportedly digs him some throwback hoopsters. Kim keeps it real. He could have asked Lebron James to come over and no doubt he'd have been on it. But that ain't how Kim rolls. Kim likes it old school and he's all about crashing the boards. So he gave a shout out to a cat who led the NBA in rebounding seven years in a row back when punks like King James were still dunking on Nerf hoops.
In a Sports Illustrated "Where are They Now" installment on shelves now, Rodman shares his thoughts with SI staff who caught up with him at a horror convention where he was pitching his new children's book. No kidding.
Here's a snippet from Dennis the Wild Bull:
Yes, Dennis was proud to be different
And glad in his heart to be free
For life's secret he knew
Was to like being you
And he liked being he... differently
Anyhow, back to the Nobel thing, no, you cannot text "Rodman" to 976-Nobel. The folks who select Nobel laureates no doubt consider many factors in their selection of such laudables as Mother Teresa, Anwar Sadat, Elie Wiesel and the Dalai Lama, but I don't think they poll the audience. That's a shame, because unless they watch SportsCenter or late night comedies, they might have missed coverage of Rodman's momentous trip to a country where ordinary citizens boil tree bark for dinner.
According to Rodman:
"Fact is, he [Kim] hasn't bombed anywhere he's threatened to yet. Not South Korea, not Hawaii, not... whatever. People say he's the worst guy in the world. All I know is Kim told me he doesn't want to go to war with America. His whole deal is to talk basketball with Obama."
If not bombing Hawaii and talking about basketball are criteria for acceptance on the world stage, I'm nominating my Uncle Gilbert for Emperor.
Rodman didn't choose his task, but he accepts it. "Why it's been left to me to smooth things over," he says, "I don't know. Dennis Rodman, of all people. Keeping us safe is really not my job."
Au contraire, Worm. It's totally your job. Your job is to protect us from all the ugliness in the universe and frankly, I'm glad you're the Chosen One. I feel a whole lot safer knowing you're on the job. In fact, I feel so safe I can spare the time to pen some extemporaneous verse...
The world's a bad place, a right dangerous planet;
If there's gonna be peace then someone's gotta plan it.
Thank heaven there's Dennis, and luckily Kim too;
No two plan for peace any better than them do.
So rest easy, children, in Rodman's good favor;
We're lucky to have such a weird f**king savior.
[With apologies to the Geisel estate]