Humor
"Gonna start taking my dog on first dates bc what’s the point of wasting time on a guy that she doesn’t like."
"My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree."
“I love when you meet a cat and it’s a total snob. just a b***h. and beautiful and perfect.”
"I don’t want to practice mindfulness. If get any more aware of what’s going on around me I’m gonna start blacking out and speaking in riddles."
WHAT'S HAPPENING
"My husband does this cute thing where he asks me where to find things, like he’s new here."
"Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase. Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase."
"There needs to be a pop-up video version of SVU where it tells you what else you know the guest stars from."
"Dads love saying, 'I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.'"
"Nothing ruins your favorite movie quite like watching it with your children."
"My toddler loves pizza and loves bagels so I figured I'd notch an easy win and make him his first pizza bagel and holy s**t I've never been so wrong in my life."