THE BLOG
09/23/2014 11:21 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

3 Ways to Stop Chasing Love

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Photo by Jackie

Some of us feel an incredible urge to chase not only love, but life too. We're not really sure what propels us, beyond the need to fill up some empty space, or an expectation.

We may go between that desperate feeling and safely isolating ourselves, choosing to not think of the desire for a fulfilling relationship. It seems easier to numb out, deny or make excuses for the lack in our love life.

Many of us think it is beyond our control, which is why we go about forcing ourselves into relationships or on people we think will give us what we want.

We aren't looking within as to our why, we're looking on the outside to fill the cracks and give us our value.

Over a period of months, I would have these dreams where I'd be exerting an enormous amount of energy toward someone I was involved with, and the more I seemed to show up where he was, the more he would acknowledge me and disappear. It took me awhile to understand the message, because I was busy blaming him for his inability to actually show up consistently.

I was looking for signs about him, so I wouldn't have to look at me.

We can look to someone who gives us so little, and blame them without looking at how we are overwhelming them with our need. We may think we're open, sharing or expressing ourselves honestly, but what we're really looking for is a response that says we're loved, valued and worth the investment.

At the same time, we want confirmation that we deserve nothing, so we force it and voila it's true!

Unfortunately, we are unwillingly to give this to ourselves through our thoughts and actions. We give up our personal standards to fill this hole and feel we must chase after love, like we chase after a job, a client, an athletic goal or our cat or dog who is on the loose.

Look at the energy we place in chasing love, it's exhausting and completely unfulfilling, which is, if we even get temporary validation; it doesn't last and we start the process over again.

No one can give to us all the time; it's impossible and we know this, but yet set an expectation to be disappointed. With that expectation, which our subconscious set in motion, we also move into the position of chasing after it, making love ours!

The dynamic we create makes us further feel devalued and that we must do so much to get so little. If we dive into some self-awareness, we can see the why behind our motivation. In some way, as a child we weren't validated unless we were doing, or we were withheld from and made to feel we didn't deserve love.

We may have been over-compensating our whole lives, in different areas to make up for where we feel this lack. Just look at how we show up at home versus work, or with our friends, as long as we aren't consistently ourselves and trying to get something, we'll never feel okay.

How do we change our relationship within us, so we aren't making ourselves crazy?

1. Stop.
Just do nothing and see where we feel anxious. Where the anxiety is located is based on a future, we believe will happen if we don't chase, beg or overwhelm another. The intense energy we put out will feel weird to not go toward someone and we'll want to run from it. Sitting with it and learning our old story is key to awareness.

2. Listen and Speak.
Once we know the story, listen for the repetitive details, the ones that have shown up over our adult lives in our relationships. Connecting the dots and seeing clearly what we do to get value and validation will help us to speak this truth. Speak it to someone who cares, most people can listen to our truth, because truth is not blame.

3. Forgive and Take Action.
Understanding our why, makes it easier to see how we took information around us and made it into a belief about ourselves as a child. Forgiving ourselves and then others is key to removing the resistance we create by beating ourselves up. Take it further with counter-intuitive action, do what feels unnatural in a situation in which we normally chase love will bring an entirely different result.