photo by Ben Sutherland
What is a red flag when we start dating someone?
I've heard people say, "Watch how he or she treats the waitress. Or their mother... or a stranger, etc."
Does it really tell the story? Perhaps the actual place to pay attention to a red flag is within us.
Most of us are so enthralled with the possibility of what may or may not happen with the person in front of us, we tend to be outside of the moment. We're not in what is happening, and if we are, more than likely our attention is on the other person making sure we are impressing them with who are showing up as for the date.
If it feels familiar, it probably is.
Sometimes we feel a spark of something, we may not be able to put our finger on it, but it feels familiar. It may be a feeling of bonding to someone in the first few date, or a sense of anxiety (I've had that happen). It may not be clear as to why the bonding or anxiety would appear, but if we can get clearer with ourselves, we might just make a different choice.
People in long-term relationships, happy or not, can tell in hindsight some of the characteristics that drew them to their partner. Some of the characteristics, depending on the state of the relationship were red flags... and are still present in the current state of relating.
If we think someone has some quirks that we can somehow fix or change, we're in for a long painful road. Many of us think those things when we meet someone, perhaps we can clean them up with our love and understanding. The problem here is two-fold. One, if we're looking to change someone else -- we're ignoring ourselves and the things we may need to grow on. And secondly, the things that bug us about the other person can be mirrored back to us, and it doesn't necessarily mean we should jump into something with them.
I have met people in the past and thought, "Okay this is better than being alone. Perhaps, after having spent some time with them, I won't be so lonely and can move on." In other words, I purposely looked to settle. And, I would find these situations never, ever gave me what I wanted, except more lessons about myself... and my unavailability.
Fear comes in many packages. When we purposely choose to go with red flags, we're choosing fear. We're settling for something we know on a deeper level will confirm exactly what we're afraid of happening. We are then "pros" at assessing how relationships are always painful, or start out good and end badly, or whatever it is we think.
Going for the red flag tells us we better not go beyond our limited thinking and what we believe is impossible to stay with the familiarity of what we've learned about life, relationships and maybe even ourselves up to this point.
I read something recently, which basically stated, as an adult, we find that our parents were right. Here's the deal with that statement, it can be a great thing, such as: "Boy oh boy, when you put your hand in an open flame it does get burnt." Or it can also be a LIMITING statement: "Your spouse is your old ball and chain."
Now... in the first statement it seems practical, but what about those of us who heard words from our parents, but their follow through in action was actually opposite? And what about statements like an old ball and chain... and that's how they treated their partner?
What did WE learn? We learned limitation and we learned what was different could be or should be feared.
Soooooooo... when we are dating and looking for the familiar -- sometimes those statements of characteristics are what we know... and someone different who is not equipped with red flags, may feel foreign or strange to us. We may be looking to meet someone and try to change them, just as Mom tried with Dad for 30 years... and because we're so outwardly focused, we don't even realize we're doing it.
Pay attention to the red flags, they have a lot to teach us, about ourselves and what we want -- and what we'll settle for too.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.