THE BLOG
08/11/2014 03:27 pm ET Updated Oct 11, 2014

How Hard Is it to Be Truly in Love?

londoneye via Getty Images

We all want it, but some of us run from it.

Not the chemistry or the attraction. I'm talking about the ability for "ease," which happens when we get one another. There's no threat, no weird jealousy, just a willingness and understanding that exists naturally.

It doesn't mean falling in love is all gumdrops and lollipops; it means there's a common ground at the base of the relationship.

It's not about forcing our agenda.

We have some control over how open or closed we are to others and their way; we also decide how open we are to real love. We may meet someone and have that ease but may not know what to do with it, so we keep looking for what we know, a partnership that is a battle for control.

The battles begin, with lines drawn in the sand, and then the nitpicking comes, while each side hopes the other will finally get it. It's a struggle and it ain't about love!

Why do people walk away from ease, and go with someone who is not quite a fit?

Usually, there's unfamiliarity of what feels good, so they look for what feels bad, and someone who is less emotionally available and disagreeable to who they are... so they don't have to be vulnerable either.

Emotional needs are not met and resentment grows.

I talk to people all the time who are not on the same page, as their mates. Lifestyle and life views are in opposition. And when one partner makes a choice for his or herself, they feel guilt with their actions and their partner is upset.

Where there's a fight for control, we may look for permission to do what we want. We may get approval, but with conditions and the feeling that our partner believes we're wasting time, and they don't respect what we're doing for our own happiness.

When someone sees his or herself as the parent, and perhaps the partner does too, it brings painful challenges and a great deal of suffering. No one should be giving us permission, or in the position of power to guilt trip us into doing their bidding, or vice versa. The ease, in which acceptance and support are naturally there, is missing.

And to some degree, our own self-acceptance and support for our lives is missing too.

If we don't want to be vulnerable, we don't get ease and true partnership.

Instead, we're choosing a mate based on distraction, limitation and anything to keep us from the vulnerability that ease brings with it. Unknowingly, many of us base this on our early childhood experiences, believing relationships are just tough!

We may believe fighting and controlling behavior are the norm.

Who wants to admit to themselves that they're settling for less based on self-worth? Falling in love with someone where it feels safe, easy and fun makes us head for the hills if we're still looking to heal childhood stuff. We want the one who will punish us and not rescue us from old wounds. It's sort of an oxymoron.

We purposely seek this dynamic, because it mimics an old dynamic. Look at who rained on our parade as a child, it's a clue as to why we're still trying to fix it. We try to recreate it and win this time. Except we don't, we lose again... and each time it gets harder.

We need to have this anchor wrapped around our leg--this mate who weighs down ourcan-do positive feelings with dismissing what we do as unnecessary or a challenge toward them.

Why do we choose it, instead of someone who gets us?

We purposely seek difficult when we're unaware. We follow an unhealed need to burn in the flames of rejection and not having our needs met. And in the case of someone who is truly open, accepting and loving toward us. We may feel unsure, because the heaviness is missing, as is the judgment. We can't trust ourselves to go in this direction, we're afraid we'll be found out and abandoned by this supportive force in our lives.

When we choose against ourselves, we choose against real love.

To change this dynamic, we must practice awareness and taking action at the same time. If we're in a relationship where love is really not there, and perhaps never was....then look at what the other person is wanting from us, we may see their insecurities, needs and suffering, more objectively. We also see how we mirror them.

If we're single and say we want real love, then look for ease, someone who allows us to be ourselves, who we feel completely open and available to....and go for it! Even if the other person turns out to not be available (sometimes it takes a bit when we've been searching for impossible romances for so long) to find someone who is on the same page, in the same book.

Relationships provide the potential for growth. Either we want to grow through hellfire, or we want to grow with someone who is simpatico to us and our needs. When there is an ease, an acceptance and support, it can actually help us to be kinder with ourselves and accomplish the dreams we seek.