01/07/2014 10:49 am ET Updated Mar 08, 2014

We Are Not an Equal Opportunity Employer

Thank you for submitting your application. If your skills and qualifications match the requirements of this position, a representative will contact you. Unfortunately, due to the large volume of resumes that we receive, we are not able to speak with everyone.

We want to remind you we are not an equal opportunity employer.

While we would, in theory, like to provide equal opportunity to all qualified individuals without regard to race, color, religion, national origin, gender or other basis as prohibited by applicable federal, state or local law, we've fallen behind on this prerogative.

For example, the recently deceased are not eligible for employment. Nor, we should state, are the less recently deceased.

We just want to be clear.

While we claim we hire regardless of sexual orientation, this is slightly misleading. We've been limited to the heterosexual and LGBT communities, and there simply isn't much opportunity for those falling outside of these designations.

For example, we've never hired a starfish, which reproduces asexually. Nor have we hired a shark, which can change its sex on a whim in order to reproduce. This is something we'd like to rectify, but we have a hard time imagining a harmonious environment if asexual or sequential hermaphroditic reproductive beings were to join our staff at this time.

To our best knowledge, we've also never hired an egg-laying mammal, but we could be mistaken. To be honest, we're not that studied in monotremes.

Currently, our workspace is not outfitted with any large bodies of water. While we'd like to employ any manner of creature that requires liquidized oxygen for respiration, we can't make any promises. We do have a water cooler, outfitted with fairly large plastic cups.

While we can't publicly state that we refuse employment based on color, we tend to avoid the particularly jaundiced. It may be a stereotype, but experience has shown us that those whose livers are seeping bilirubin into their bloodstreams just don't put in that 110 percent effort we value.

In the same vein, we would love to hire regardless of political or religious affiliation, but we would like to restate our policy that no heavenly and/or divine miracles are to be observed and/or performed during work hours. Employees are permitted to raise the dead, transform water into wine or restore sight to the blind, but it's got to be done outside company time. We've had significant trouble with this in the past.

And, as clearly stated in the FAQ page on our website, this does include ritualistic sacrifice.

Finally, while we're supposed to hire regardless of country of origin, we don't hire people from Finland. Fuck Finland.

People of Sweden are highly encouraged to apply.

Thank you again for your application! Appropriate applicants will be contacted.