06/11/2013 07:56 pm ET Updated Aug 11, 2013

Dudes! Lose That Gut!

Bikini-clad women will be hitting the beaches, but to get close to them you'll have to look the part.
--Men's Fitness


Dudes! Tried eating like a caveman but still packed on the pounds? Embarrassed trying to choke down an absolutely raw 24-oz porterhouse with a handful of almonds on that second date with Mindy, that adorable Pfizer drug rep? Then try the Paleo Paleo Diet. Before we were cavemen we were chimpanzees with whom we still share 98 percent of the same DNA. Just eat like a Bonobo and soon you'll have abs you can strike a match on!

Breakfast: Ficus bark and leaf salad

Find a ficus tree (try sidewalks and medians), rip off the bark and leaves.

Lunch: Ant and termite medley on a stick

Find a long stick, strip any errant leaves or twigs, then survey your neighborhood, borough or gated community for an active ant hill or termite mound. Simply insert the stick in the hole, wait two to three minutes, withdraw and slurp! Repeat.

Dinner: Dune hairy-footed gerbil or Kivu giant-pouched rat (or even the odd red colobus monkey if they look at you sideways) á la large, heavy rock.

Now go out there, roam the savanna, and really torch that belly fat!


Bros! If Paleo Paleo didn't make those abs pop perhaps you should try going forward not back? The Potato Famine Diet is fast becoming a favorite of celebrities and celebrity trainers from Hollywood to the Hamptons. You thought potatoes where just another evil carb getting between you and a visible rectus abdominis? The brave Irish between 1845 and 1852 knew better! They discovered the key to a sexy summer beach body - portion control.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner: One potato (serves fifteen)


Blokes! Ever wonder how a certain middle-aged morning anchor (hint: Matt Lauer) got the obliques of a teenaged Ryan Lochte? The secret's out and Oliver! The Musical Diet is the answer. A Dickens of a fat-burner indeed! You actually won't want "more" because it's so deliciously filling! "Consider yourself" on the path to the scorching, sexy abs girls in bikinis just can't keep their hands off.

Breakfast: Gruel

Lunch: Gruel

Dinner: Gruel


Maggots! How toned and ripped would your abs get if that bikini-clad woman on the beach were carrying a whip! The Dominatrix Diet burns calories by literally burning your problem areas with a candle. Ouch! But you know what they say, "No pain, no weight loss." Watch your BMI dwindle to that of an MMA cage fighter's thanks to the urgent urgings of your personal dominatrix/nutritionist.

"Mistress Amanda, may I have another?"
"No, you many not!"

Breakfast: Black patent leather stiletto heel

Lunch: Nail polish*

*may contain bits of actual nail

Dinner: Ball gag


Omega Men! If you're looking to get as far away from "paleo" as possible look no further! Inspired by Alvin Toffler's prescient 1970 bestseller, the Future Shock Diet scientifically examines what humans will be eating not tens of thousands of years in the past but tens of thousands of years in the future.

Breakfast: Nutrient agar

Lunch: Soylent Green

Dinner: Cap'n Crunch*

*Leading futurists posit that ten-thousand years from now we will all celebrate "Dinner for Breakfast."