Decembuary 0: A Cure for the World's Hangover

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

January 1, 2010

The Honorable Charles E. Schumer
313 Hart Senate Office Building
U.S. Senate
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Senator Schumer,

I have a small change I'd like to make to the Gregorian calendar that I hope you can bring to the attention of the rest of Congress. I've decided that January 1st should not happen until the day after the day after December 31st. I know what you're thinking: How could I propose such an innovative, potentially Earth-shattering, world-as-we-know-it-changing idea just off the top of my head? And with a hangover no less? Well, I've actually been mulling this over for awhile. But I only came up with a name for it just now: Decembuary 0.

Here's the thing, Chuck -- can I call you Chuck? -- New Year's Day is rife with pressure. Everyone makes resolutions, most of them involving doing something better than you did last year. Eat better. Exercise more. Be more productive. Work on the music/writing/fly fishing career that has thus far eluded you. All good resolutions. But the problem lies in the fact that almost everyone gets drunk on New Year's Eve. It follows naturally that you then wake up hungover, tired, and possibly having slept through half of the first day of the New Year, feeling worse than you have felt in a long time... at least since last New Year's. The first meal you eat is likely not going to be the virtuous oat bran/egg white/fruit bowl you'd planned the day before. It will probably involve ketchup and fried meat, to soak up all the lingering champagne. Afterwards you will feel lethargic and bloated, and exercise is completely out of the question, unless you count your numerous walks to the bathroom towards your daily tally. By the time your head is clear enough to consider beginning to pen your great novel or start shaping your new washboard abs, it is dark outside and besides, you suddenly realize you haven't showered yet. You resolve to start your resolutions on January 2nd instead.

Which brings me to Decembuary 0. This should take the place of the traditional January 1st, and act as a sort of transitional day between the years. This way, you can feel awful and disgusting and piss away your day watching TV in the same pants you've been wearing for the past 36 hours without feeling like the new year is getting off to an discouraging start. January 1st would, according to the new calendar year, be held on what is now January 2nd, thereby allowing everyone to start the new year not feeling like complete ass (unless, of course, you choose to spend your Decembuary 0 drinking, in which case you only have yourself to blame). 
I realize that in order to make this happen I have to take away a day from the rest of the year to keep things even, so here goes: April 15th. I picked that at random, to be fair.

And don't worry -- if your birthday falls on April 15th, you'll be able to select a new one with the help of a Decembuary 0 Transition Committee that will be appointed by President Obama as soon as the motion to adopt the LaMarchian calendar is passed.

The beauty of this whole thing, Chuck, is that this idea was conceived on Decembuary 0 before the new day even existed. Isn't that poignant? I really hope that nugget makes it into my future Wikipedia entry.

Thanks again for your help with this, and since I won't get to see you read this letter I'd like to also say: You're welcome.

All the best,

By the way, if you like this and hate adult rompers, you'll love my blog.