06/05/2012 05:46 pm ET Updated Aug 05, 2012

Hello. I'm Waldo Mellon

Hello Anyone,

My name is Waldo Mellon, and I cannot tell you how pleased I am that you are reading this. I know that there are billions and billions of other things that you could be doing at this moment, and so for you to be passing your eyeballs over these particular words strikes me as nearly miraculous. I'm already feeling a little antsy about losing your attention, and so I'm going to hurry up and get to My Big Guarantee. Here it is:

If you return to this site on a regular basis, I guarantee that your life will change for the better. You will like yourself more. You will be more relaxed. You will worry less about things you've said and ways you've behaved. You will anguish less over how you are perceived by others. You may still loath yourself occasionally, and you may still feel blue and lost from time to time, and you may be hounded now and again by regret, and you may still go through spells when you're certain you're a stupid idiot, but if you stick with me, these loud-mouthed young punks who have been tormenting you over the years will soon become just harmless old farts giving you the finger from a bench in your skull. You will see life in a different way, and because of this you will spend your time on earth happier.

Here's my Main Idea: Life is a beautiful, complicated mess. Our sweet little miraculous brains just do not have what it takes to understand it. And so, in order to find enjoyment, we must simplify.

Which is where I come in. Thanks to good luck, and through no effort of my own, my life has handed me the optimum combo of jackpots and booby prizes, both genetic and cosmic, to allow me to believe that I have what it takes to separate what's essential from what's not essential. That is, I believe I can take the mountain ranges of life and reduce them to manageable piles the size of ant hills. Or, to put it another way, I think I can distill vats of life's raw moonshine into an exquisite aperitif. Or, to put it another way, I think I can tailor life's moo-moo into the pocket-hanky of a Snotgurggle. Or, to put it another way, I think I can untangle that fuck-this-let's-go-home snarl in your fishing line so that you can start casting again. Or, to put it another way, I think I can help you to be happier.

Because here's the fact: YOUR CONTENTMENT RESIDES IN YOUR HEAD. A little change in the way you think can change everything.

I could be horribly deluded. I'm counting on you to let me know. My plan is to post new entries on Mondays and Fridays until the wheels fall off.