06/08/2012 06:59 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

What's (Christian) Love Got to Do With It?

It's Pride Month, and I'd like to take a few moments to reflect on the onslaught of sweet, sweet Christian love flowing in our general direction, like so much water that has been magically transformed into wine. At times, it seems like it's all around us. Perhaps you've felt it, too.

Christian love is a very complex thing. At first you might think it's hate, but Christians are incapable of hate, so it's really love. For instance, American Family Association mouthpiece Bryan Fischer claims that it's perfectly acceptable, nay mandatory, to discriminate against homosexuals because, after all, society discriminates against "people who rip off convenience stores, burgle houses, drive while drunk, eat the faces off homeless people, gun down servicemen on military bases, embezzle funds from their employers or clients, or beat their wives." Now, I've never even thought about doing any of those things, but, thanks to loving Christians like Bryan Fischer, I know that two consenting adults of the same gender falling in love and trying to build a life together is equally as horrifying as any of those acts on Fischer's list. We need Christian love to remind us of this. Constantly.

In a recent sermon North Carolina pastor Charles L. Worley served up some Christian love Nazi -Germany style. He proposed that somebody should "build a great, big, large fence, 150 or 100 mile long, put all the lesbians in there, fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals, and have the fence electrified so they can't get out. ... In a few years they'll die. Do you know why? They can't reproduce." It's common knowledge that gay children are only born of gay parents, so this makes perfect sense. I think it's probably in the Bible. Kansas pastor Curtis Knapp of New Hope Baptist Church stated in a recent sermon that homosexuals should be "put to death." Knapp clarifies by stating, "Oh, so you're saying we should go out and start killing them? No. I'm saying the government should. They won't, but they should." It may appear as if these fine gentlemen are advocating genocide. Pastor Knapp, however, claims it isn't his idea; it's God's. That makes it all a-OK.

Often, children can play a substantial role in the propagation of Christian love. Prior to the passage of Amendment 1 in North Carolina, Pastor Sean Harris delivered a most loving sermon, in which he cautioned parents of sons who might exhibit what could be misconstrued as effeminate behavior, saying, "Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist. Man up. Give him a good punch. OK?" Solid parenting advice from an expert. Another good Christian child advocate is Pastor Jeff Sangl of Greensburg, Indiana's Apostolic Truth Tabernacle Church. During one recent Sunday morning service, as Pastor Sangl smiled and nodded his approval, a toddler serenaded the congregation with a song that included the lyrics, "I know the Bible's right. Somebody's wrong. Romans 1: 26 and 27. Ain't no homos gonna make it to heaven." The congregation responded with a standing ovation. Thank God these good Christians aren't recruiting children to promote their sinister agenda, like the gays do. Perhaps the most prolific child lover of them all, however, is the Catholic Church. In a recent New York Times article, it was revealed that New York's Cardinal Timothy Dolan, who publicly stated that he was deeply "saddened" by President Obama's voiced support for marriage equality, authorized payments of as much as $20,000 to sexually abusive Catholic priests as an incentive for them to agree to dismissal from the priesthood when he was the archbishop of Milwaukee. I get it. It's OK to rape an altar boy as long as you don't try to marry him afterwards, because that would go against God's plan, thereby saddening the cardinal. It saddens One Million Moms, as well. A splinter group of the American Family Association, One Million Moms is practically apoplectic over, among other things, JCPenney ads that feature real-life same-sex couples with their children, and the hiring of Ellen DeGeneres as a spokesperson for the company. God hates it when homosexuals are employed and able to shop.

These are but a few examples of Christian love in action. The amoral purveyors of morality used to be more adept at hiding their Christian love behind those heavy church doors. Not anymore. Thanks to social media and smartphones, we can now get a glimpse of what really happens when you "open the doors and see all the people." And once the big reveal goes viral, it's on display in all its vulgar glory. It's virtually unstoppable, and it's utterly repulsive. And that's like a great big gift to the gays, from Baby Jesus.