04/04/2014 06:30 pm ET Updated Jun 04, 2014

The Cookie Monster at the Door

Kathye Killer via Getty Images

Every spring it's the same story. There I am, just sitting on the couch watching TV and deciding which Real Housewife I'd kill first, when the doorbell rings. And on the other side of the door awaits Evil.

"Hi, Mrs. Aarons!"

"Oh, fuu-- it's you again."

"Mrs. Aarons, wouldyouliketobuysomeGirlScoutcookies?"

"Madison, are we really gonna do this dance again? Don't I tell you every year that this'll be my last year buying your crackhead cookies? Don't I?"

"Yes, but..."

"And didn't I even waddle over to your house last year and personally SHOW you what your stupid Samoas did to my ass? Do you remember that? Remember the three pairs of industrial Spanx I had to wear just to keep me from looking like the snowman in Frozen? Does that ring a bell?"

"Yes, but..."

"And now, now that I've finally, finally returned to my fighting weight, you actually have the gall to roll up here in your Radio Flyer wagon and try to get me hooked AGAIN? Have you no shame, woman? I WILL NOT BE YOUR COOKIE B*TCH, MADISON!"

"Yes, but... have you tried our shortbread cookies?"

"If you're referring to the shortbread cookies that I crushed up and snorted through a straw on my kitchen counter last year, then yes, Madison, I've tried those. And I've also figured out that, despite their deceitful name, Thin Mints are not actually a weight loss supplement. Now please, go home."

"OK, Mrs. Aarons, but would you like to just try this Tagalong sample? You don't have to buy anything. I promise."

"Oh... Madison. Madison, Madison, Madison. You think I don't know that the first hit is always free? Do I look that innocent? Do I look that naive? Listen, sister, I've been around the block. I've watched Sid and Nancy. I've been to Amsterdam. I'm as street as they come. I once licked a suspicious stamp in college."

"Just try it. One bite."

"Fine. I'll take a stupid bite. Here you... OHGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWD!"

"I'll just go unload my wagon in your garage like usual, Mrs. Aarons."

"Yes, Madison. That'd be fine."

"Are you OK, Mrs. Aarons?"

"Oh, I'm good, Madison. Real good. Real f*&@ing good. I'm just going to stay here curled up in a little ball of shame and lick my fingers for a few minutessss...mmmmmmmm..."

"OK, well nice doing business with you again, Mrs. Aarons."

"Oh, you too, Madison. A pleasure. And, um, see you next year. You dirty little cookie pushin' meanie."