When you start doing "the work" to heal yourself and become whole, all sorts of things are bound to come up. Most specifically, all the ways you play small in order to be healed by love and forgiveness, shifting by accepting the truth that you are so much more than you have allowed yourself to be.
2014 was a year to experience all the ways I have played small returning to me. The would appear when I least expected it and sometimes so subtle I wouldn't even catch them the first time they showed up. For example, the default patterns of thoughts based on some really faulty beliefs about not being "enough" when I wouldn't get what I wanted.
The lessons would appear in much larger ways like when it was shared with me what someone thought of me. That thought had been shared publicly. My first reaction was to run (flight). Then to stand up for myself (fight). Next came paralysis because I didn't know what to do so I did nothing for a night. Finally came surrender. What happened happened. I started to evaluate it as objectively as possible:
Is it true?
No. At least not intentionally. I'd been following the lead of others who I viewed as successful. They said, be helpful and give lots. I had been showing up to do it in my own way.
Why would they think what they did?
I had no idea, but I knew on a gut level that I had been playing small. I also knew that anytime we judge someone, we are really judging ourselves. Based on the judgement and who made it, I could see how their playing small would identify with my ways of playing small, creating this false judgment.
So what? Now what?
I really started thinking about how I had been showing up and how I really wanted to show up. I made a commitment to continue being helpful and play bigger.
The experience prompted me to be courageously honest with myself which is never an easy task. I discovered three guiding questions that allowed me to move forward with authenticity and integrity.
Where do I want to say, "Oh, f*ck it!"?
What would happen if I did:
what is the best possible scenario?
what is the worst case scenario?
What's the payoff for doing nothing?
I said "Oh, f*ck it!" to playing small, to believing that I am not enough in any way. I had enough social proof that my gifts are valuable and it was time to start using them fully.
The best possible scenario is that I help lots of people, increase my clientele, live the life I desire. The worst possible scenario is I fail. The thing with that scenario is that as I leaned into it and asked myself, "Is that true?" I heard a resounding "no!"
The payoff for having done nothing was enormous- I continue to struggle, I don't live my purpose or mission, I doubt and fail to trust myself, and life is harder than I can currently imagine.
I understand we are on a journey in this life and there will be much more for me to examine. For now, there is comfort in knowing I have the tools to examine what arises. You do, too. What are you ready to say "Oh, f*ck it!" to and explore? I would love to hear from you and what you choose!
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