01/12/2015 12:27 pm ET Updated Mar 14, 2015

What's the Payoff?

"I don't understand. How can one person have so much drama? It's like she needs it. If there isn't drama, she's not living," my friend shared.

I asked a few questions and then the real question. "Well, what's the payoff? Seems she is craving security and love. If she has drama, she's getting attention at least, sympathy perhaps, both of which is meeting a sense of caring."

"Whoa. I never thought about it like that."

My clients hate the question, "What's the payoff?" They may have just shared their frustration around not understanding why something isn't shifting for them. They are doing the work around healing, self-love, and acceptance, but until they're ready to get courageously honest with themselves, they'll keep attracting people and situations to meet a fundamental need for love, acceptance, and security.

Keeping the victim mode going requires a lot of energy, constantly seeking any reason to validate the beliefs around being not enough, less than, unworthy, unlovable, and insecure. If you can't immediately find them, you make them up.

For example:

-- f you believe you are unworthy of greatness, you will never fully show up to shine your brightest. When you don't show up, you stay stuck. If you hold this belief and you're trying to run a business, you may not talk about your business, put yourself out there, or even easily communicate what you do and for whom. You business does not get the flow of traffic it needs to be successful. The lack of success is then projected back on the self as a validation of not being enough.

-- If you believe you are unlovable, you will attract people who will not love and accept you fully because you are only showing up partially.

-- If you believe you are not good enough, you will take jobs working with people who do not value your skills and gifts.

It may look like there is no payoff and you're a victim in the situation. If you truly want to shift your life, you have to get courageously honest with yourself. Explore these three guiding questions with your victim archetype:

In what ways does the person who challenges your victim archetype validate a faulty belief about yourself through their actions (or words)?

If they are always negative or lie, where are you negative and dishonest with yourself?

Does the persons actions trigger a sense of insecurity, a fear of not belonging, or of not being loved? If so, where are you not supporting yourself fully (and expecting -- consciously or unconsciously -- someone else to support you), not accepting yourself completely, or not loving yourself fully?

These are not easy questions to explore, especially with complete honesty. You may find that you have been victimizing yourself, rather than someone else victimizing you, yet you project your actions onto them. This is giving your power away. When you choose to get courageously honest with yourself, focusing on honoring yourself and shifting out of the unconscious victimizer state, you take your power back because you will not let others victimize you, either.

Learn more about archetypes here. While you're there, sign up for delicious inspiration delivered straight to your inbox.

Wendy Reese, MA, is an author, speaker, and lifestyle strategist who is passionately committed to helping visionaries, change agents, and healers be whole. With over two decades in the health and fitness field and 13 years teaching yoga, she brings a holistic approach to her work. She intuitively bridges woo-woo and practical guidance in a no nonsense, yet fun manner. You can find more on Wendy at, twitter @wholebeinginc, and G+ and Facebook