02/12/2015 11:05 am ET Updated Apr 14, 2015

2 Steps to Self-Love

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The number one way to a healthy relationship is to drop the attachment to being a victim. All the ways you feel the need to tell your stories to get validation, attention, or compassion and love is simply a temporary fix. Seeking that fix is a mask that covers a lack of self love.

Loving yourself is not as hard as you think. Try these two simple steps.

First, make a commitment to sit for five minutes a day. Breathe. Get quiet. Ask to be shown why you are lovable. Open your heart, even a tiny bit. Ask to be filled with love. There is something greater in all of us that does not judge, blame, or need to use guilt. It doesn't see our actions, it knows our essence. Follow the energy of love. You'll likely be brought to places where you have chosen to separate from love. In that moment, ask yourself if you'd be willing to love that moment, the experience that created the choice, the people involved and express gratitude. Then allow yourself to just feel.

I've been playing with this a lot lately. It's like having the blinds opened in a house that has been in the dark for so long. I am seeing all my choices and the limitations I created to experience everything fully. I am receiving more and more opportunities to bring harmony and healing to all the judgment for the choices I have made and all the habits I have created around those limitations. I am allowing myself to be the very qualities I have avoided because I judged them wrong. I am surrendering into being everything and knowing I can chose from my Being rather than my limitations. It's an ongoing process and yet, the results are immense.

Second, shift your outlook on love. I call these the "Love ifs."

  • What if instead of falling in love, you abounded or sprang into love? On a trampoline, it's not the falling, it's the flying that is so damn cool!
  • What if, instead of worrying about will he/she leave me if they see my true self, we just shone the spotlight directly on it: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the remarkable? After all, aren't those qualities we love, fear, and despise simply reflections of our shadows and light? If they leave, they weren't ready to love completely.
  • What if when we sense ourselves wakening, inspired, and full, we lean into it rather than trying to rationalize it away?
  • What if we built on all the good stuff and stopped looking for the bad? If you're going to have red flags, you'd already have them. No need to dig some up if they aren't fully present from the get go.
  • What if when you do have red flags, you honor that intuition, dig deeper, and decide if this is worth proceeding and pursuing? Sure would save money on weddings and divorces, heartaches and emotional numbing.
  • What if you took six to 12 months after a break-up to date yourself? It is impossible to enter and leave a relationship without some fundamental shifts occurring. Who are you now? What do you have to offer to someone? What do you want in an ideal partner? The investment of time, energy, and love invested in yourself will have a much higher rate of return than whatever distraction you find as a rebound.
These two steps are the way back to loving you. When you do, you open the doors to be loved fully. You no longer need that validation that you are lovable and enough from outside. You simply know. Any love that arrives only expands your knowing.

Wendy Reese is a lifestyle strategist, author, and guide specializing in being whole. You can learn more at